50 Shades of Vague

So it's three days after Christmas, I've had a terrible virus/cold for almost 12 days now, Im coughing up a lung, and my headache is just irritating and monotanous enough to keep me the appropriate amount of moody, while still somehow managing not to bite off the head of the nearest human. 

Seven years post-loss, and Im not even sure how I feel bout this set of holidays. Is it weird that Im kind of sick of talking about it? I appreciate people asking how Im doing, truly, but I feel like Im out of words to explain what it's like to live in a world without your person. 

Im also extremely tired this year. Probably from all the coughing and being sick. 

Whatever the case, I just dont feel like dealing with my emotions right now. 

And truly, Im not even sure what my emotions even are. 

I just feel blah and vague about everything. 

50 Shades of Vague. 

Its not nearly as exciting as that hyped-up book and movie "50 Shades of Gray", but that's what Im feeling. 

It's like my brain and heart are stuck on bland and vague, but I've got a thousand different versions of it swimming around in my headspace. 

I miss the innocent me. 

I miss the way the holidays used to be. 

I miss the days when my Nana was alive and would wake up the whole house on Christmas morning banging pots and pans and cooking at 5am. 

I miss the days when sudden death wasn't a thing I thought about subconsciously or consciously. 

I miss Don. 


But I grow tired of saying it sometimes. I feel boring. It feels dull and repetitive and who the hell cares anymore. 

Not a good way to feel about someone you love who died, but society makes it so. 

I will keep missing him, of course. 

Sometimes its just not easy. 

Sometimes it feels like it weighs a lot, 

this death thing. 

I miss the lightness that life used to be,

before death took over and everything changed. 

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  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-01-05 21:38:35 -0800
    I also want to thank you for your book, which I finished a couple of days ago. I could identify with so many things you said and felt. It’s the only book I’ve read (and I’ve read several) that I could completely relate to. I sobbed and laughed through it and I really appreciate the rawness and uncensored look at the grief tsunami that comes with losing the love of your life.
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2018-12-29 02:25:50 -0800
    Thank you for this. It’s been six years for me (he was 51 and I was 48) and I can completely identify with what you’re feeling. I get it totally.