Olivia Arnold

Get in the Casket and Die Too

The other week I saw this meme on Instagram about dying and not wanting the person you’re with to be happy afterwards and about how they should get in the casket and die too. It was framed in a “funny” way and meant to be a joke but I didn’t find it funny at all. I felt defensive, like it was an attack on me and other widows who have fought so hard to find happiness again. I felt like I was being judged and that made me mad. Then I thought: That’s stupid to care about what others think and I don’t care.  People who haven’t experienced that type of loss yet are very blissfully ignorant and very immature. People who liked that and tagged their partners (including people I follow and “friends”) are pretty much idiots and have no idea what it’s like. I almost pity them to have that outlook on life and the happiness of the person they apparently love should something happen to them. Which reality check: either you or your partner will end up in this position at some point unless you (very unlikely) have some kind of joint Notebook death.

The thought of others finding it funny made me think though. Was there a time I would have found this to be funny? I certainly couldn’t relate to the humour now but would I have before? Would Mike have related to it?  Would I have been one of those people who “liked” it or tagged their partner? Was there truth in it? So much in such a silly, stupid meme.

Read more
2 reactions Share

  • commented on Get in the Casket and Die Too 2018-08-21 08:23:20 -0700
    I feel the same. I don’t wish the pain or loss on anyone but glad to have my perspective.

  • commented on Planning Hawaii 2018-08-01 05:59:49 -0700
    I don’t think that’s a fair question. It’s not a comparison. They’re not in competition. They’ve existed to me in 2 different times in my life. I loved what was with Mike but I also love what is with David now. I don’t have to choose. There’s so much that’s different (me and my thinking mainly) and I think I love them differently because of that. Not more or less, just different (apples to oranges). I have more of an awareness that this is not a fairytale and it both scares me (and sometimes makes me panic) and makes me love deeply. I consciously choose this relationship knowing that loving deeply can also mean hurting a lot and I appreciate the love as it is now. My values, interests and way of being have shifted after loss which makes David a good fit for me now whereas Mike was a good fit to me before. I try, as much as possible, to stay in the moment. I have to be where I am. Trying to compare the love of then and now strips the joy of today does not do me any good.

  • commented on Easy To Love 2018-08-01 05:36:15 -0700
    The insecurities are definitely difficult. I don’t know if I would call it a full heart. I don’t have a full heart to love from. My heart still has an empty space left from Mike dying. I would say it’s an expanded heart. The space from Mike is still there but my heart has grown to fit someone new and I love him with all that new space. It keeps pushing bigger. There is room for both.

  • commented on Getting Out of My Own Way 2018-06-12 05:03:49 -0700
    Karin, that’s great you have a group out there. I wasn’t planning on going to Kona unfortunately :( It would have been nice to meet up. I’m not sure how to privately send you my contact info in case something changes. Maybe find on fb?

  • commented on Vacation Reflection 2018-04-03 10:02:56 -0700
    Marybeth, Barbados is so nice! I’m glad you’ve enjoyed it too. I hope you are able to plan a vacation soon!

  • commented on And That's Why You Don't Have a Baby 2018-04-03 10:00:18 -0700
    I’m glad you could relate. You can’t enjoy the present if you’re thinking of what milestones you haven’t had

  • commented on Vulnerability 2018-03-20 09:47:38 -0700
    Thanks Stephanie! I do find it healing to write. Yes, not healed but together in the process so not alone. Thanks for your comment!

  • commented on Vacation 2018-03-20 09:57:36 -0700
    Thanks Cindy! Other than the Caribbean I haven’t traveled to the same places without Mike. However, my travelling philosophy is more so in seeing as many places as I can so I am not inclined to go back for other reasons. Caribbean is an easy relaxing vacation so I had to move past my reservations with that one. I agree, the triggers can be a reminder of what a wonderful love we had. I don’t try to stop it. I let it come; happened a few times on this trip.

  • commented on The Me Now 2018-03-07 18:39:57 -0800
    Thanks Stephanie for the warm welcome! I’m sorry for the very slow response. I realized I can only respond to comments on my laptop and it doesn’t post from my phone.

    Teresa W, that’s great you’re from Ontario! Maybe see you at Camp Widow!

    Teresa Renee, it was a pleasure meeting you too. Your words are so true! Thank you for sharing them!

  • commented on The Me in the We 2018-03-07 18:37:09 -0800
    Thanks Gayle!

  • commented on Why I Smile 2018-03-07 18:36:36 -0800
    Indira, I know the feeling of a shattered heart. I’m sorry for your loss.

  • commented on My Family 2018-03-07 18:34:03 -0800
    Teresa, I know I am very fortunate to have them. I definitely appreciate them!

  • commented on I'm Building my Wings on the Way Down 2018-01-06 11:47:25 -0800
    Loved this post. The first paragraph about not wanting to ring in the new year without him, now or never really resonated with me. Thank you!

Doing things a late twenty-something woman does...as a widow. Re-creating my life and identity, being outdoors, adventurous and active, teaching, laughing and crying, and living my new life a little less seriously.
Donate Volunteer Membership