Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your pain.  And, to feel it to it's depth.

I believe that we are lead towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  I have begun to realize that visiting this empty place is necessary.  It is here that we find the answers we seek when our hearts are shattered.  This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  This is where our Soul speaks to us.  

Death creates a hollowness inside us.  And, the emptiness is gutting; but we have to go to this barren place to create ourselves anew.  I have become increasingly drawn towards the ledge of this place because I believe this is where some of the answers are.  So, take a breath, and come with me.  I know we will both be better for it.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge; admittedly, I am too.  The uncertainty that follows death is intimidating.  But, we have to make ourselves even more uncomfortable.  We have to establish some momentum and take a leap of faith.

I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. It is people like you, who can walk along side me as I navigate my way into a changed life.  I am glad you are here with me as I write about moving towards the light.  The light within me, and the light outside of me. Soaring Spirits International connects like minded people.  We support one another and  we no longer have to slay grief alone.

I am focused on change for all of us.  And, I know that if we are going to find our way out of this mess we can not stay comfortable in our grief.  We have to move.  We have to become off kilter

 As I write to you each week,  I am becoming more aware of my feelings.  I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am scared that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go, create a beautiful life for yourself.  We can not let life pass us by.  Together,  we've got this.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Hollow

In every store you visit the shelves are lined with colorful, foil wrapped chocolate bunnies.  They stand neatly organized in the aisles, adorned with ribbons and bows.  At first glance, these holiday treats catch your eye because they look shiny and decadent.  But, things aren't as they appear.  We know the bunnies are hollow inside even though they look substantial.  I am a lot like these chocolate Easter bunnies.  I appear to have my life together.  I look solid.  But, the reality is that inside I feel empty.

This may come off as slightly dramatic, but it is the truth.  After over 16 months, my life looks shiny and newly restored.  Outwardly, things have remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of widowed success.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside, the condition of my life looks good.  Aside from Mike's death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear.  Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking.   Inside of me, in my Soul, the landscape is sterile.  I am hollow inside like the foil bunnies.  On the inside of me there is 'nothing'.  Where there used to be unbridled joy there is now emptiness. 

 

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His Girl

I still feel like Mike's girl.  When he was alive, he'd tell perfectly good strangers about me.  Anyone he encountered throughout his day was sure to find out about me in short order.  The cashiers at the neighborhood grocery store knew of me because he proudly gushed about me while they wrapped the red roses he'd buy me every time he did his weekly shopping.  Mike went from being a single guy buying obscene quantities of frozen meat pies -when they were on sale - to the man who carefully selected extra chocolate milk and certain juices because he knew my boys liked them.  Mike was so happy and his love for me and my boys was revealed in everything he did.  Mike showed all of us what true love looks like, and sounds like.  And, for me, he showed me what true love feels like.

Looking back, our love story served as a live lecture on love.  If you were a student of love you would have filled your notebook full with our 'love notes'.  Together, we made love look easy.  The way we spoke to each other had the rhythm of respect.  Our tone was pianissimo, reflecting our gentle love.  In our voices you could hear the harmony of happiness.  The way we looked at one another reflected mutual admiration.  We loved how love is supposed to be. The way he held me close to him; and, the way he pushed me to soar were both acts of genuine love.  We unknowingly provided an education about love for anyone who stopped long enough to take notice.  When we walked hand in hand I remember that strangers would look up and smile when my eye caught theirs.  Our love was tangible.  You could feel it in the air around us.  People smiled at me because they felt the love they witnessed walking by. 

 

Love is the little, shared nuances. 

The small, familiar gestures between lovers. 

The rituals that are thoughtfully developed between two Souls. 

These intimate expressions are what we all desperately miss. 

These are the things that keep us awake at night. 

These are the intimacies we all want back.

 

Maybe Mike and I were so good at love because this wasn't our first attempt at it.  We had practiced love before with mediocre results.  And, finally, with three failed relationships behind us, we figured it out.  Together, we were good at love.  And, in my heart, and in my mind, I will always be Mike's "Beautiful Wife to Be".  I have the

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I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who's life didn't turn out like planned. Life has thrown me a few curve balls. But, I'm still a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of fate. And, I always have a pocket full of hope.
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