Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your pain.  And, to feel it to it's depth.

I believe that we are lead towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  I have begun to realize that visiting this empty place is necessary.  It is here that we find the answers we seek when our hearts are shattered.  This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  This is where our Soul speaks to us.  

Death creates a hollowness inside us.  And, the emptiness is gutting; but we have to go to this barren place to create ourselves anew.  I have become increasingly drawn towards the ledge of this place because I believe this is where some of the answers are.  So, take a breath, and come with me.  I know we will both be better for it.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge; admittedly, I am too.  The uncertainty that follows death is intimidating.  But, we have to make ourselves even more uncomfortable.  We have to establish some momentum and take a leap of faith.

I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. It is people like you, who can walk along side me as I navigate my way into a changed life.  I am glad you are here with me as I write about moving towards the light.  The light within me, and the light outside of me. Soaring Spirits International connects like minded people.  We support one another and  we no longer have to slay grief alone.

I am focused on change for all of us.  And, I know that if we are going to find our way out of this mess we can not stay comfortable in our grief.  We have to move.  We have to become off kilter

 As I write to you each week,  I am becoming more aware of my feelings.  I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am scared that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go, create a beautiful life for yourself.  We can not let life pass us by.  Together,  we've got this.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Weak at the Knees

How do I bring the girl he fell in love with back to life?

I miss her.

I am working on rebuilding myself.

And, the new version of me is different.

I am changed not by choice, but by design.

 

 

 

band-aid.jpg

 

 

Not all of me survived his death.  But, the core of who I am and who he loved still remains.  So, here I am using the bones of my old self as the foundation on which to recreate myself and my life.  And, it is fair to say, like with any remodel, the new me will be better equipped and improved. 

 

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Marry Me.

On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. 

Then, he died before our wedding day.

 

I have sat here re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just can't seem to process the words the letters are forming.  My mind can not make sense of what I am reading.  My heart can not accept the words on the page.  I do not know if this will ever feel anything but surreal.

Never in a million years did I think this would be the story of my life.  It is fair to say Mike and I were just getting to the good part in our love story.  We were leading up to the chapter where we were going to live happily ever after.  There was no way for us to predict that our story was going to come to a tragic end.  Looking back, there wasn't any foreshadowing.  Everything was coming up roses for us.  Our life together was magical.  And, even as I was living it, I remember stopping myself - in the middle an ordinary moment - because I could not believe how beautifully everything was falling into place.  Maybe it really was too good to be true.

 

Life was good. 

Our life together was better than anything we dreamed of.

And, that's an understatement.

Then, one night Mike went to sleep and the next morning he never woke up. 

And, just like that,

Everything changed. 

Our story was over.  

There were no goodbyes.   

And, there will not be happily ever after for us. 

At least not here...

 

It's been 2 years and 3 days since he proposed to me on a warm night in Mexico.  I can feel everything about that moment when Mike asked me to be his wife.  It feels like just last night; and, it also feels like a lifetime ago too. 

A significant amount of time has passed since his proposal; and, I am still not sure what to do with all our hopes and dreams that never came to be.  I struggle to live in the moment because I am continuously daydreaming about a fictional life that we never got to live.  I constantly wish we were living together under one roof as husband and wife.  It's fair to say that I spend a lot of time wishing for things that are no longer possible. And, all this wishful thinking detracts me from living the life before me now.

We were so excited about spending the rest of our lives together- as a family - and I still want to live this life we were planning.  I know how irrational this is, and sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for still fantasizing about this pretend life.  Although my mind understands that he is gone from this dimension, my heart yearns for him to come back so that we can live happily ever after like he promised me we would. 

In truth, I still very much want to be his wife.  And, I think a part of me always will.  And, this complicates things for me because it is very difficult to fully participate in life when you want to be a dead man's wife.  Because of my illogical desires I am forced to exist in limbo. I feel like I live here, and also in a parallel Universe.  And, it is exhausting living like this. 

 

The reality is, Mike did spend the rest of his life with me. 

So, why isn't this enough. 

Why can't I just be happy with this and be content to live a future different than the one I imagined...

 

 

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  • commented on I'm Building my Wings on the Way Down 2018-01-06 12:46:28 -0800
    Olivia, I’m glad that you heard your own heart in my words.

  • commented on Happy Birthday to Michele, just one L ... 2017-12-30 13:33:11 -0800
    This is so powerful and beautiful Kelley. Thank you. “She who took ashes and made paper airplanes that fly”

    - I believe that there is a little of this hope, magic and determination in every single one of us who has out lived the person we love; we just have to find it. Let’s all learn to fly (again).
    Happy Birthday Michele.
    With gratitude and respect for you both, Staci

  • commented on All is Calm, All is Bright 2017-12-27 15:36:20 -0800
    Marissa,
    I completely relate to your comment, thank you for sharing. Like you, I wish that “that headstones (could) talk back or give big hugs”. I stood at the grave Christmas day and traced Mike’s name with my fingertips; and as I left I kissed his cold headstone goodbye, like I do every time. And, then, “I let the hot tears flow”.
    I know we are all missing that hug you mentioned, I think we will always miss their arms around us and our lives for our entire lifetime. But, their love is present, always.

  • commented on I can feel your arms around my Life... 2017-12-20 09:47:14 -0800
    Candace, thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you wrote because it’s so nice to hear what people think when they read my writing. I am so happy that you related to the post. The language is common in widow that’s for sure.
    Awe, your husband called your Sweetie. I was always, “Beautiful”, “Honey” and often “Sweetie”. He called me those three words more than my name. I loved hearing his voice call out to me, and like you, I miss hearing those words so much. Staci

  • commented on Who Am I ? 2018-01-22 17:02:12 -0800
    Hunter, I appreciate your comments and insight.

    I think more people should ask themselves the question “Who am I?” The world would be a better place if we as human beings paused and considered what is in our hearts.
    Who are we? What do we want to do in our life?
    Reflecting on these big ideas serves everyone well. However, most people are too busy living their lives to stop and contemplate these existential questions.
    But, grief demands that we stop; and, in this stillness we ask and sometimes find the answers to these substantial questions.

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I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who's life didn't turn out like planned. Life has thrown me a few curve balls. But, I'm still a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of fate. And, I always have a pocket full of hope.
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