Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your pain.  And, to feel it to it's depth.

I believe that we are lead towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  I have begun to realize that visiting this empty place is necessary.  It is here that we find the answers we seek when our hearts are shattered.  This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  This is where our Soul speaks to us.  

Death creates a hollowness inside us.  And, the emptiness is gutting; but we have to go to this barren place to create ourselves anew.  I have become increasingly drawn towards the ledge of this place because I believe this is where some of the answers are.  So, take a breath, and come with me.  I know we will both be better for it.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge; admittedly, I am too.  The uncertainty that follows death is intimidating.  But, we have to make ourselves even more uncomfortable.  We have to establish some momentum and take a leap of faith.

I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. It is people like you, who can walk along side me as I navigate my way into a changed life.  I am glad you are here with me as I write about moving towards the light.  The light within me, and the light outside of me. Soaring Spirits International connects like minded people.  We support one another and  we no longer have to slay grief alone.

I am focused on change for all of us.  And, I know that if we are going to find our way out of this mess we can not stay comfortable in our grief.  We have to move.  We have to become off kilter

 As I write to you each week,  I am becoming more aware of my feelings.  I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am scared that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go, create a beautiful life for yourself.  We can not let life pass us by.  Together,  we've got this.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Loving You in Separation

I feel like each breathe I take puts more distance between us.  You are in another place.  A place I don't know.  A dimension I can't fully understand because I am still here.  You exist somewhere far from me; yet, somehow you are right here beside me.  You are everywhere; and, also nowhere to be found.  My Soul loves you, forever, for Eternity.  And, now I love you in separation.

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Photo credits: celestialworld.co.uk

My eyes can not see you,

But, my heart loves you. 

Our Souls remain coupled forever,

For Eternity.

You are gone physically, 

But, we are connected by the heart.

And, I miss you. 

I miss you. 

I miss you.  

 

We are not content loving in separation because we want back what we had.  But, that isn't an option.  Loving in separation is the only thing we have now.  And, it is not some big new concept.  Loving while separated is something we have done countless times before, when they were alive.  And, now, we, the bereaved, continue to love our person despite their permanent absence. 

At times, Mike and I were physically apart because of work; and during these separations he'd always tell me "Honey, it could be worse, I could be at war and gone for a really long time."  He was right.  Throughout history, people have loved each other through long periods of separation.  Obviously, we have the innate ability to continue to love one another while we are physically apart.  And, this is done without any special training.  As a human being, we can instinctively love what we can not see in front of us.  Our love doesn't fade when someone leaves the room; and, therefore, our love doesn't disappear in our current circumstance. 

"We don't stop loving one another when we part.  We know a great deal about how to love in separation, how to hold one another in our hearts when we are apart - thinking of, speaking about, remembering, sharing interests, being grateful to one another, drawing inspiration from one another..."  (Thomas Attig) 

I acknowledge that this time, we are separated from them for the rest of our lives...  And, yes, this is so, so different than being temporarily detached.  Death makes this physical separation permanent.  This is f-o-r-e-v-e-r.   I get it.  And, yes, I know that loving in separation does not fill the physical void, nothing can...  

 

But, what else is there? 

The task of loving Mike for the rest of my life without his "presence" is daunting, and it saddens me,

But, I have to give it a try. 

I don't know what else to do with all the love in my heart... 

So, now that he is physically gone,

I  am continuing our relationship, on a purely Soul level.

 

 

Let me tell you about the best way I know how to do this...

 

 

 

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Big Love

My smile has been gone for a long time. 

I wore it effortlessly when Mike was alive. 

But, now, my smile feels like an accessory I wear only on special occasions. 

I know that it won't be like this forever because I love life too much

to never smile again. 

But, for right now, my heart feels empty,

And, I see a deficiency of joy in my eyes.

Yet, some moments, I smile in spite of myself,

Even so, my smile feels awkward and it is always fleeting. 

I know Mike wants me to smile again. 

And, damn it, I need to smile again, for me...   

 

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BIG LOVE 

Mike would stop what he was doing every single time I walked in the room.  Every. single. time.  He would look at me and his eyes glistened with tears of adoration.  Next, he would softly smile, as he treasured me with his gaze. Then, he'd say "Hey, Beautiful" in a tone he reserved only for me.  He'd reach out to me and pull me into him.  Mike would look so intently at me while he held me, in the middle-of-an-ordinary-moment.  It was magic, and even that's an understatement.  These 'intimate' moments between us were genuine and intense.  Mike would lay his eyes on me in a room full of people; and, honestly, it was like he made love to me right then and there. The way he looked at me had that kind of passion.  

Common everyday routines like washing dishes, grocery shopping, sitting on the back porch, making the bed and even brushing our teeth became extraordinary events.  Our life was ridiculously wonderful.  It was a crazy, pure, deep love that we shared.  And, every so often, I would stop myself in one of these "ordinary" moments because I felt the power of his love.  It was tangible in the air.  Together, we were everything love is supposed to be.  And, now, like you, I'm here, in this moment, wanting everything I had back.  I want him back and I want him to bring the love we shared back to life.

I knew we were lucky when Mike was alive; but, I didn't know how truly blessed we were.  I didn't fully savor the life and love I had because I thought there was more ahead.  I naively thought I'd be brushing my teeth with Mike by my side for at least the next twenty years...  I thought our story was just beginning.   I did not wholly appreciate how big our love was because I thought it would last forever. 

Now, let me tell you part of the best love story.  Not one that I read about or heard, but one that I lived...

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I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who's life didn't turn out like planned. Life has thrown me a few curve balls. But, I'm still a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of fate. And, I always have a pocket full of hope.
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