Bruce Bullock

  • commented on Wanderlust 2 2019-03-19 13:11:49 -0700
    Congratulations on your amazing story and courageous. Your comments sounded remarkably familiar. I spent over 2+ years in deep, deep grief, in a support group for over a year, read and have a huge collection of books/articles about grief, and shared many chats and hugs with others in the same club. Like you, I was going through the motions daily, but it felt like life was at a standstill. But while grief is truly ever lasting, after 2 years I became restless to make changes. Aftter talking to many, at some point we all seem to get to a fork in the road where you can remain in suspended animation or you can move on with your life. You said it beautifully and respectfully: "I can’t just be his widow. I need to let my life get louder and his memory get softer. " I spend another year tiptoeing back out into the rest of the world, relearning much along the way. Yes, I did a lot of wondering and I left a lot behind. Not so much location as you mention, but certainly the mental mindset and surroundings. I was completely open to the unfamiliar vs looking for replacement and the comfort of familiarity. But in the back of my mind, I rejected the concept of ever loving another again as deeply and my life. After living alone for several years I grew comfortable and happy with my new autonomy and independence. While I had a growing desire for meaningful companionship, I thought I could be complete living alone for the rest of my life sharing transient companionship with another independent person. This led to exploring a series of non-serious dating relationships for over a year. Then to my immense surprise, out of the blue, someone new came into my life that was new and fresh in every regard. That new relationship has grown for over a year. While I’ll always feel both love and grief for my wife, I can truly say that my new love may be even deeper and broader than any I’ve ever felt. I pass my story along to you in the hope that it will add to your confidence that we all have an infinite capacity for new love and that you will indeed find new comfort. Your intention is strong, so it won’t just be luck, it will happen.

  • commented on Inward and Outward 2017-11-30 18:39:51 -0800
    I’m Just starting my 3rd year and this really resonated with where I am now.
    Sort of a “tweener”. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

  • commented on Losing Pieces of You 2017-08-04 22:38:50 -0700
    Your words capture the tugging feeling I’m sure we all feel over time of loosing what we dont want to loose…memories of our love. But I love your thoughts about capturing your thoughts in a book. Thanks for the beautifully hopefull thought, “Love shared forward creates more love.”

  • commented on What Remains 2017-07-12 21:14:24 -0700
    Michele, this is one of the most all-encompassingly and inspiringly thoughtful descriptions of I have read here summarizing the widowhood experience.
    Thank you!
    Bruce

  • commented on “Share your memories! (3 Years Ago)" 2017-06-14 06:27:24 -0700
    I think you’ve nailed a nagging problem that impacts all survivors that also use FB. Today that is most of the world! But it hits us all individually at times distributed over the calendar year. FB needs to hear a simultaneous, collective voice and provide a sympathetic solution or set of options. Maybe a label, different than “Friend,” that shows this person is deceased and give options for reminders: like never, always, only to a memorial web page, etc.? Doesn’t seem like it would be hard for FB to fix?

  • commented on Eight Years and Crying 2017-06-11 20:19:42 -0700
    Sarah, It has been nearly two years since my wife died. Until recently, when I tried dating, it was impossible to find any spark, even when I “thought” it should be there. But I seem to have just broken through another of those invisible barriers as I “felt” some spark with someone for the first time. That left my mind confused. Good feelings about a possible future, combined with sad feelings of the past. Thank you for describing my mind’s state so clearly, “It’s sometimes so strange to have all those feelings while also being in a new life and a new relationship. It feels like being two people at once, or having two parallel lives in your heart.” All survivors dispise all those platitudes about “moving on”, “not looking for a copy”, etc. because they seem to imply replacement I wanted to resist. Your two parallel lives view lets me feel comfortable that I can keep both. Thank you!

  • commented on Dear Dead Husband ... 2017-06-05 05:59:00 -0700
    You’ve really captured the shadow truth about the transition that happens when you eventually escape the depths of sorrow only to discover it gets harder as you try to start living again. Thank you for sharing your insights.

  • commented on Hello, Dead Husband .... 2017-05-13 09:00:40 -0700
    Yes, yes….all soooo true.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and pain.

  • commented on Talking to Mike 2017-04-21 09:31:24 -0700
    Stephanie, your note covered a lot of ground. First, I know you’d win that bet about many survivors talking to their loved ones. I know I do, and I know others I’ve listened to in support groups that say the same. While we can’t do anything to bring them back, talking to them seems to be a way to stay connected whenever we want in the future. Like your unchosen song playing, many also share your experience with unexpected and unexplainable signs and events. As you say, the common natural “feeling” that loved ones can hear and occasionally respond doesn’t seem to depend on our belief systems. Non-survivors may not believe, but once you’ve had the experience, you don’t need further proof. Interestingly, recent science (Penrose, Lanza, etc.) is even starting to be supportive. So keep talking, stay aware, and feel comfortable you’re not alone as you move forward in your day-to-day journey.

  • commented on Mean Dreams 2017-04-15 13:11:24 -0700
    Wow. What an amazing dream. I can sooo understand your feelings. I know not very satisfying at this moment, but you’re connected forever, just not by phone….

  • commented on Existence 2016-05-25 03:47:11 -0700
    Mike
    Boy, your thoughts really strike home to me and I’m sure many others that have struggled with decisions about staying put vs. moving forward. I’ve felt consumed over time with swirling thoughts, often incompatible, that seem to cover a spectrum from sadness, grief, guilt, respect, love, peer-comments, memories, loneliness, surviving, comfort, reality, hope, letting-go, fear, change, new normal. It seems to take time to settle out the priorities from old-endings to new beginnings. Reaching the point when you get to your final thought about “living vs. existing” might summarize the turning point?
    Thanks for the helpful thoughts and good luck on your new path!!

  • commented on Just Do Something 2016-04-26 18:24:22 -0700
    Mike
    My wife passed away from cancer in December. So much of your message hits home very hard and true. I feel much the same. Compared to others I read about here I have so much to be thankful for in so many ways. Others tell me I’ve made huge progress and they’re proud of me. But in the quiet of the night I recognize that I can’t seem to get out of this “disorganized” state. I think one of your last sentences really captures it, “Sometimes, when one is a “caretaker” by nature, the hardest person to take care of is one’s self.”
    My goal now is to get past this.

    I wish you all the best of luck and thanks for putting into words some things I hadn’t been able to piece together.