Marissa Hutton

  • commented on Favorite Parent 2019-02-21 11:25:57 -0800
    Dad FTW (For The Win)! I find myself singing the Weird Al version of songs when I hear the original songs: “Eat it”, “My Bologna”, “White and Nerdy”, the list goes on. Unfortunately, my sons don’t share this part of my taste in music and neither did my late husband but that’s ok. I have grandkids now that I can try to assimilate. 😊

    My sons were all adults when their dad died and he was their favorite by miles but I was his favorite so I did a little “manipulation” on the backside to win favor because if mama ain’t happy, no one is happy.

    I know they love me, care for me and respect my opinion but when their dad was alive, it was a lot easier to score brownie points with him as my mouthpiece than it is coming directly from my mouth.

  • commented on Paradox 2019-02-05 06:34:30 -0800
    I wouldn’t say “lucky,” because that just sounds weird to me but I would say you’re on the path you were meant to travel, as is Sarah. I am a Christian so I believe that God works things in your favor, no matter how hard it is to grasp the twisted and convoluted the path is for you to get to that favor.

    If you’re not the religious type, then you may prefer to think of it as the universe aligning in your favor, though sometimes it feels like it’s conspiring against you.

    There’s a timeline to everything, I believe, and once you’re where you need to be, things fall into place. Someone had to die in order for Megan to get the transplant to extend her life but it was necessary for you to have that extra time because it wasn’t time yet for your and Sarah’s path to converge (with a little help from Kelley 😉).

    Long story short (too late, I know), it’s not lucky, it’s just that you both have experienced love and profound loss but you still have something to give so God or the universe is doing you a solid. 😁

    Plus, your experiences give me hope that I may find love again even though it’ll be because I’ve experienced the horrific tragedy of losing my husband to esophagus cancer.

    Congrats and good “luck.”

    —Marissa

  • commented on Don't Die 2019-01-17 14:44:00 -0800
    I think it’s a common thing for folks who have lost someone suddenly to say things like “don’t die” because even though that’s something we have zero control over, “don’t die” gives the person saying it a bit of comfort and control over an uncontrollable situation, if that makes sense.

  • commented on If I could Back Up 2019-01-02 17:54:26 -0800
    If we could back up, indeed! One more slow dance, one more mundane weekend, one more meal, one more kiss, one more silly joke, just one more anything positive!

  • commented on It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas - Finally 2018-12-24 19:39:37 -0800
    This resonates with me so well right now. This is my 7th Christmas without my husband (he died in June of 2012) but I think I’m just coming to terms with the fact that the future may still be something good. I do miss being a wife, too. Focusing on the love instead of the loss is helpful. Merry Christmas!

  • commented on Widowed and Scary~ 2018-12-12 07:07:39 -0800
    What’s really scary to other people is when you actually call their bluff, meaning “Call me if you need anything or if you just want to talk and hang out.” but when I do call, it’s lots of stuttering and sputtering. Sometimes, I let the uncomfortableness play out because I’m weird like that (and I like to be entertained by a good show. Don’t judge me. 😊) but other times, I say “It’s ok, maybe another time.” and let them off the hook.

  • commented on Back to the Future 2018-12-12 06:59:30 -0800
    Wow! I need to write a back to the future letter to myself because this is awesome! I’m crying while I’m reading this but realizing how far I’ve come in the six years since my husband breathed his last as esophagus cancer robbed him of his life.

  • commented on Widow's Roast 2018-08-30 19:05:51 -0700
    “Alive Mike” That’s hella funny! 😂😂😂
    I like it, though. Cuts down on the confusion.

  • commented on I Wanted to Call You 2018-08-26 09:31:51 -0700
    Beautifully stated! Scrubs was one of my favorites, too! My late husband wasn’t a huge fan but because he knew I really liked the show, he bought the dvds for me and he would occasionally sit down and watch with me.

    Now, the dvds sit in storage because I don’t have room for them in my new place and no one would watch with me anyway. I know that one day, I’ll meet a guy willing to love me asI am and won’t feel intimidated by the love I still have for my dead husband. Sounds weird and even a little morbid but I’m hoping for a widower because he will understand that sometimes, you just want to share some good news with the person you loved in your “before” life even though all’s well with your “after” life.

  • commented on The Dance 2018-01-30 12:33:27 -0800
    Wow! The imagery in this writing is very powerful! Since we have no choice in this matter, we may as well learn the dance.

  • commented on The Sky is Falling 2018-01-18 07:09:10 -0800
    I totally get it. Folks may think you sound despondent but now that we’ve lost our person, it really is just realistic thinking that brings a sense of peace.

    I’m not ready to die but if the end is near, bring it! My prayer is for the end to come for all of us at the same time so there’s no one left to grieve. Selfish and maybe a little weird but that’s how my brain thinks these days.

  • commented on All is Calm, All is Bright 2017-12-25 21:03:55 -0800
    Beautifully written. This is my 6th Christmas without my husband but for some reason, this year is really difficult. Maybe because I recently had some good and bad news that I really wanted to share with him and while I went to the cemetery, headstones cannot talk back or give big hugs. I was still able to find joy in this day and let the hot tears flow.

  • commented on To Know Grief is to Know Love 2017-12-14 14:58:19 -0800
    Absolutely! I was 45 when my husband died and I just turned 50 in May. We were married for “only” 20 years but it’s still better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

  • commented on As this Odyssey of Love Expands~ 2017-12-14 14:54:16 -0800
    #SayTheirName Bernardo, Sr.

  • commented on Damn the Torpedoes 2017-10-24 19:52:01 -0700
    Damn the torpedoes, indeed! Beautifully written!

  • commented on Summer Is Winding Down 2017-09-05 10:41:44 -0700
    Exactly right! Our youngest turned 25 on the 3rd and this is his 6th birthday without his dad, who died in June of 2012. All of our sons are getting married, having more kids and doing all the routine things that kids do when they mature into adulthood but my husband isn’t here to share all these things with me and them.

    Life goes on and while he will always be with us in spirit, I would prefer to have him here cancer free in the flesh to share these milestones and quiet nights.

  • commented on No One To Zip Me Up 2017-08-14 15:27:30 -0700
    Like Lisa, I wish I had the courage to go to camp but I haven’t been able to build that up in me yet. It’s only an hour plane ride for me but San Diego is a trigger city for me because we spent our second to last birthdays there. My husband had finished chemo but the chest port was still in place just in case it was determined that he would need more chemo.

    I’m also not really good at being places where I know no one, even if it’s the safest place to be because we’re all part of the same “club.”

    I’m not big into shopping, either. My husband bought most of my clothes because he knew what he liked to see me in and he had really good taste. I bought my own sweats and jeans, though, because I’m most comfortable in those anyway. 😊 Now, when I shop, I automatically look for the placement of the zippers and buttons. I despise the fact that I have to try stuff on first not to see if it fits, but to see if I can zip it up by myself without sweating profusely! I’m just so put out that I even have to factor that into the equation.

    I’ve also taken to YouTube to figure out how to put a bracelet on by myself. I use a paper clip or I’ll tape one part of the bracelet to my wrist and then fasten it but even though that works, I’m then angry that I have to waste a piece of tape because I have no one to fasten my bracelet anymore.

    I hope you have a great time at Camp Widow and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get up the courage to go next year based upon your insight. 😊

  • commented on Maybe I'll Get A Cat 2017-08-02 17:09:42 -0700
    I’m a little tardy reading this but Wendy, you are spot on! It’s been 5 years since my husband died and the silence is still deafening sometimes. I’m trying to buy a house again and if I’m able, I’m definitely getting a cat and maybe a dog but they have to be compatible or one of my dons will have a new dog. 😊

    Joseph, it’s entirely too soon for you to be “over” talking about your wife. If I remember correctly from your other comments, it hasn’t even been 90 days! I believe your wife died the same day I celebrated my 25th birthday (for the 25th time).

    Wendy is right. Don’t ever apologize and if folks are uncomfortable with your grief, too bad! Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Glad you found a group where you feel comfortable. You need a safe place and place to talk about Karen. Take your time getting back into the dating world. I’m still not sure I’m ready to meet my Chapter 2 but I need some adult company of a good friend because my sons are a little tired of hanging out with me and there are just some topics I don’t want to discuss with them because even though they’re men, there are certain things and experiences I don’t think they could identify with. They’ll get there one day with their wives’ but for now, I just need a male companion who doesn’t want to be more than just friends. He’s out there somewhere, I’m sure but for now, I’ll get a cat. 😊

  • commented on How to Keep on Loving... 2017-05-01 16:11:56 -0700
    Is there a website where one may order Drew’s Brew? I’d like to try it and drink to his memory and to the memories of all those we hold in our hearts since we are no longer able to hold their hands.

  • commented on Imagination 2017-03-04 07:55:37 -0800
    I have to admit, I found Inception very confusing but I watched it with my late husband years before he got sick and died. We were told “You may have to watch it twice to really understand it” but we never got around to doing that and now that I’ve read your post, I don’t want to because this time, he won’t be sitting next to me for the “Aha!” moment of clarity.

    I’ve been wishing for almost 5 years to dream of my husband but it rarely happens. When I do, I wake up really fast and cannot get back to the dream. I end up crying myself back into a dreamless sleep. I have other people tell me that they dream about my husband all the time and while I’m happy for them, it sucks for me. He was a rock for many people but I still don’t understand why he comes to them when they’re stressed out and not to me! I try not to let the jealousy take over my thoughts and instead, I try to imagine how he looked in their dreams. I can then feel the calm that they felt and I can adjust a little bit better to what they experienced. Since I’m not dreaming much about my husband, I just use my imagination and live vicariously through the dreams of my family and friends.