1000 days

IMG_3540.JPGDear Dan,

This week we reached another milestone, albeit not exactly a traditional one.  On Tuesday, it had been 1000 days since I kissed you goodbye.

The reason I know this is because I put a 'countdown' ap on my phone after you died, so I'd always know how many months, weeks or days since you'd been gone.  Isn't that a strange thing to want to know!  I would have certainly thought so, however it seemed really important back then, that I remembered you and your loss each and every day. The tally was significant.  

Tuesday, when I saw those three zeros tick over, I didn't really know what to feel.  I expected to feel sad, and on some level, of course I did, but it was a quiet, subtle sadness - not the kind that stopped me in my tracks. Because with those 1000 days has come a peace that had helped me to feel happy within myself again. 

So much has happened in the past thousands days that you've missed.  The earth has kept spinning and eventually, those of you who love you and ground to a halt without you, slowly started moving again. 

I wonder if you'd recognise me now.  Actually no, scrap that - I'm sure you would. Because lately, I've really been feeling like I'm back to my old self.  The old ambitious Bec who had projects on the go and loved making plans for the future, with an easy smile and a passion for life. 

In so many ways, I'm back to being the woman you married but I'm also so much more than that now.  Your loss changed me in ways I could have never known.  It softened my edges while fortifying my core.  It has given me a perspective beyond my years and a wisdom that only pain can bring. And these traits have somehow ended up being some of the most precious of gifts.  

What would you think about my plans to rent our house out and move into the city?  I can't help but laugh at that, considering you always felt so at home in the city whereas it was me who wanted to buy the house in the suburbs where it would be easier for our family to grow.  If you're watching over me now, I think you'd be pretty excited about this move.  

What would you think about the dates I've been going on?  I know you'd be telling me that I deserve the most decent of men who would treat me like a queen.  I know this because you showed me that this when you swept my off my feet and up onto that pedestal.  

Isn't it funny how as I sit here and wonder what you'd think of this and that, the answers come to me so easily.  Because, my love, even though I'm surging forward with my life, you're still with me.  

I carry you now, deep in my heart.  You are part of me in a way that I will never be without you.  

I confess, that I don't consciously think of you every day any more, or at least, of your death.  Days pass when I'm so focussed on whatever it is I'm doing - whether it be work, study or having fun with my friends or our families - and I don't have the constant ache from the hole that you left behind. 

But again, I hear you in my heart saying that this is a good thing, this is how it's supposed to be.  Each sunrise and sunset has taken its toll and with each of the thousand days between you and where I am now has softened and shaped me to reach this moment. The exact moment I'm supposed to be in. 

You're no longer here, yet of course you will always be. I miss you my love, and I miss our life together but I am also really loving my new life and I can hear you telling me that this makes you happy and it's how things should be.  

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  • commented 2016-04-30 21:25:18 -0700
    I like your idea of a countdown ap. Your story reveals a grace about your acceptance of the loss of your husband. My husband passed away from cancer on Nov 29, 2015. I am very very sentimental & am finding it so difficult to see his clothes, sentimental items, his many collections of antiques and hobby related items (he obviously had difficulty throwing things away). It’s taking me a long time to get rid of some of his things. Have to look at them for a few days… then either give or throw them away. Have many books & other items to research. Have no idea how much they’re worth.. Very overwhelming!! I am looking forward to the day when the open wound in my heart isn’t quite so painful. Your essay gives me hope! Thank you, Rebecca! Frances Scott Coe Pace, FL