Widows scare people, I think.
Even if they (we) are ordinary in appearance.
No warts on our long noses.
No narrow, scraggly, fingers with sharp nails (for poking).
I'm describing witches.
It’s been four years. Four times, the earth has orbited the sun in full since Megan’s death. That seems like an eternity, and yet at times, it also feels like it was yesterday. It’s still “fresh”, yet also “routine”.
If I could have foretold the future, four-and-a-half years ago, a few days before she died, it wouldn’t have changed anything, really. I would just know what to expect. I can reflect on it now, however. I can write to myself, 1,700 days later, telling my past not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to.
So, here goes.
I am no longer counting the days or the months of Mike's deadness.
It has become irrelevant to me.
The numbers don't matter anymore.
Mike is gone. Mike is really dead. And, I am not. This is what matters.
I know this sounds harsh, but how else can I put it? His death has been harsh, and that's such an understatment it is beyond ridiculous. Mike being dead sucks more than anything has ever sucked in my entire life. But, there is nothing that can change this. It simply is what it is.
His dead status is not fixable. Nothing can be done to undo it. And, no amount of practice or time makes me feel at "peace" with Mike being dead. But, I know that I do have to accept that he is dead because it can not be changed.
Until recently, I hated the word acceptance in relation to Mike's death. I have consistently resisted acceptance until now. To this point, I haven't learned to accept his death further than a cognitive level. However, now, I acknowledge that I need to do more than this.
This third year of widowhood, I have decided that I am going to try to accept Mike's death at the Heart level. I know that in the Heart is where true acceptance exists. True acceptance is something I have to feel, it isn't a thing I can think my way towards.
I am not entirely sure how to go about accepting Mike's death. And, I am not sure if anything particular is required of me other than my strong desire to make acceptance happen. I am going to simply stay the course and I will attempt to soften the edges of my grief - even more. If I can make my grief "quieter", I know that I will begin to hear the heartbeat of life again. Acceptance - it will ultimately lead me towards LIVING again; therefore it is mandatory for me to work on it.