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Widowed people created Soaring Spirits because we discovered that connecting with other widowed people made the challenges of surviving a spouse or partner a little easier to manage.

There is a widowed community here at Soaring Spirits that offers widowed men and women understanding, friendship, inspiration, and encouragement as they learn to live without the person with whom they intended to spend the rest of their lives. 

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Our First Wedding Anniversary

Tomorrow is our first

 “Wedding” Anniversary.  

And, I call it our Wedding Anniversary even though Mike died before we said

"I do". 

 

I married him in a thousand different ways before he even asked me to be his wife.

In our hearts we were husband and wife;

And, now given the circumstance, people tell me that's what matters.

 

Still, I wish I stood before Mike in a white dress. 

I wish my eyes met his as he lifted my veil.

I wish we were pronounced Husband and Wife.

But, that is not what happened.  

 

And, well, this evening,

the night before our first wedding anniversary,  certainty isn’t how I pictured it. 

Sometimes I can not believe any of this is truly real. 

As I type this, I can feel it, tonight  is not going to be easy... 

These anniversary dates are beyond difficult. 

I miss him to the depths of me.  

But, missing Mike doesn’t change his deadness.

The intensity of my “missingness” doesn’t bring him back to life. 

Nothing can.

So, I will just accept, that tonight is harder than the other nights.

 

I will remember my husband.

I will wish the future was how we imagined it would be,

Then, I will cry because it is so very different than we expected.

And, then, I will cry some more.

And, after, I will dry my tears,

And, I will listen to our favorite songs on repeat,

While I will celebrate our Love for one another.  

 

I am anxious because as the stars come out later tonight,

I know that I will miss my husband

- to the depths of me.

He is supposed to be here celebrating our first wedding anniversary.

But, he's not here.  

At least not physically...

So, I will sit alone in my backyard,

And, I will imagine what our life would be like if he didn’t die.  

Because, now, all I can do now is imagine...

 

If Mike was alive,

I know we’d be going away tonight to celebrate our Anniversary.

With our suitcases packed,

And, our hearts even fuller,

We’d head out into the world.

Hand in hand.

We’d be filled with gratitude for the life we share this past year as newlyweds.  

Wherever we were,

I know that we’d stay up too late talking about all our hopes and dreams. 

 

Mike and I were really best friends.  

It felt like we were having a lifelong sleepover with one another. 

It was almost too good to be true.

(Then it was.)

 

Sometimes we’d look at each other and smile

because we couldn’t believe how much fun we were having.  

It was fun in the simplest sense. 

We'd sit in bed and eat twizzlers and watch tv. 

And, other times we’d have a hot tub under the light of the moon.

Then, we’d turn the music on a little too loud and crowd each other

by the stove at midnight as we drank wine and made grilled cheese sandwiches

on his favorite cheap white bread.

 

It was a sweet, crazy love. 

And, I miss it.

At the time, we both knew there was something beyond magical between us. 

But, we couldn’t quite name it.

I still can’t.

 

Tonight, in honour of all that we were together,

I will drink red wine and I will wish he was here with me

- like I do every single day. 

But, tonight, I will wish he was here  a little harder than usual.

 

Our Love was a beautiful love to witness while Mike was here on Earth. 

And, it remains a strong love - even now.  

Ours is a big love.  A love that reaches across dimensions.

 

 

 

 

                    

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A Wolf in Family Clothing

Over the river and through the woods, Tin’s Aunt had come down to see him before he passed and to help his mother handle a mother’s worst nightmare losing a child. She watched him grow, watched him thrive and now held him as he faded away. I can’t imagine and it seems unholy although if Jesus’ mother had to go through it than who am I to judge the workings of the Universe. Either way, it hurt to be losing him and it hurt to watch her lose him.

Aunt Caryl. I had heard wonderful things and Tin was so excited she would finally come down and meet me. We had been together for 4 years and I looked forward to meeting her. After a long day at work, I picked up my mother at my apartment and we went to meet the visiting family. Tin had a procedure that day. I still feel guilty that I had to work and I couldn’t go with him. When we got to the house I said hello and then checked on Tin and his new medical directions. While reading, Caryl stated that she was in town and that she was with him all day today and that she was handling his medications now. I was torn. Up until now I had made sure his medications were correct. Her tone implied that I lost my rank because she was family and I had to work. On the other hand I felt relieved that I could spend time with him and let someone else deal with the chemistry. Seeing that she wanted to come in and take over, I let it go. Shortly after she felt Tin needed pain meds without him asking. I thought that was strange and I said he tended to not like them because he felt too tired. She scoffed at me and started pulling pills that were not the pills he was supposed to get. I got up and stepped in reading his new doctor’s orders and pointed out that his new medical directions had adjusted and stopped some of the meds she was getting. Her response in front of everyone was that I asked ridiculous questions and that she was there now to handle it. In one statement she dismissed everything I had done as well as the importance of our relationship. I was just the partner. She had no idea she had opened a door I boarded tightly shut. I unleashed 10 months of anger pointing out that she did not get to sweep in for the final hour and claim heroism. She put her hand in my face and told me to go home. My mother started crying and said she couldn’t stay and so we left.

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Working It Out

So, for the 457,000th time in my life, I have recently added exercise to my "trying to get healthier " life routine. i joined the YMCA, and I have been taking classes, mostly in the pool. Water Zumba, water aerobics, water weights, things like this. It is actually a pretty damn good workout, and at the end of the hour-long class, I am totally wiped out. As an overweight person who originally gained a lot of weight as the result of coping/not coping with trauma, I have been up and down this "getting healthy" routine several times. Normally, I have some level of success, and then ultimately, I don't stick with it, and it all falls apart. At some point, I end up falling back into old habits, and making poor choices with food, and then getting lazy about exercising. When my husband died suddenly, 7 years ago now, I found myself eating sporadically, thoughtlessly, and terribly. Loads of sugar. Anything with carbs. Chocolate. Cakes and cookies. Fast-food. Just all the bad things. It helped to numb me, and it tasted amazing. I did it out of boredom, loneliness, and fear. Fear of getting back up and living a life again, instead of simply existing. If I kept eating and living in a non-healthy way, it gave me all kinds of excuses to not better myself and to not care. There were many years after Don died, that I simply didn't care. 

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