Tomorrow is our first
And, I call it our Wedding Anniversary even though Mike died before we said
I married him in a thousand different ways before he even asked me to be his wife.
In our hearts we were husband and wife;
And, now given the circumstance, people tell me that's what matters.
Still, I wish I stood before Mike in a white dress.
I wish my eyes met his as he lifted my veil.
I wish we were pronounced Husband and Wife.
But, that is not what happened.
And, well, this evening,
the night before our first wedding anniversary, certainty isn’t how I pictured it.
Sometimes I can not believe any of this is truly real.
As I type this, I can feel it, tonight is not going to be easy...
These anniversary dates are beyond difficult.
I miss him to the depths of me.
But, missing Mike doesn’t change his deadness.
The intensity of my “missingness” doesn’t bring him back to life.
So, I will just accept, that tonight is harder than the other nights.
I will remember my husband.
I will wish the future was how we imagined it would be,
Then, I will cry because it is so very different than we expected.
And, then, I will cry some more.
And, after, I will dry my tears,
And, I will listen to our favorite songs on repeat,
While I will celebrate our Love for one another.
I am anxious because as the stars come out later tonight,
I know that I will miss my husband
- to the depths of me.
He is supposed to be here celebrating our first wedding anniversary.
But, he's not here.
At least not physically...
So, I will sit alone in my backyard,
And, I will imagine what our life would be like if he didn’t die.
Because, now, all I can do now is imagine...
If Mike was alive,
I know we’d be going away tonight to celebrate our Anniversary.
With our suitcases packed,
And, our hearts even fuller,
We’d head out into the world.
Hand in hand.
We’d be filled with gratitude for the life we share this past year as newlyweds.
Wherever we were,
I know that we’d stay up too late talking about all our hopes and dreams.
Mike and I were really best friends.
It felt like we were having a lifelong sleepover with one another.
It was almost too good to be true.
(Then it was.)
Sometimes we’d look at each other and smile
because we couldn’t believe how much fun we were having.
It was fun in the simplest sense.
We'd sit in bed and eat twizzlers and watch tv.
And, other times we’d have a hot tub under the light of the moon.
Then, we’d turn the music on a little too loud and crowd each other
by the stove at midnight as we drank wine and made grilled cheese sandwiches
on his favorite cheap white bread.
It was a sweet, crazy love.
And, I miss it.
At the time, we both knew there was something beyond magical between us.
But, we couldn’t quite name it.
I still can’t.
Tonight, in honour of all that we were together,
I will drink red wine and I will wish he was here with me
- like I do every single day.
But, tonight, I will wish he was here a little harder than usual.
Our Love was a beautiful love to witness while Mike was here on Earth.
And, it remains a strong love - even now.
Ours is a big love. A love that reaches across dimensions.