It seems every time I listen to the news there has been another tragedy and more people have died. On Monday a rented van mounted the sidewalk and killed 10 people and injured 15 in Toronto. On purpose. This person literally had no regard for human life. There was no empathy; how scary is that? How can someone be so incredibly detached from people and the world? What was wrong with him? I know that they must be mentally ill but that means nothing at all to the people whose lives have been turned upside down by one person’s deranged actions. It is not an excuse. It infuriates me that these innocent people lost their lives so senselessly.
Yes, it is great that people come together to support the community and I keep seeing the phrase that we should look for the helpers. But really, I just feel annoyed. We shouldn’t have to look for the helpers because this never should have happened. It’s because we lack any control over the situation that we are forced to respond and help afterwards as our only option. We are working backwards and will never prevent this type of violence from happening if we just help after the fact. The damage is already done. Those people are never coming back. We can punish that man all we want but he still killed all those people. And let’s be honest, unfortunately, he won’t be the last to do it. He certainly wasn’t the first.
As the months pass, I am becoming increasingly reserved. I used to be a very social person; but, now, I am not overly interested in interacting with the people around me. I am not compelled to engage in superficial conversations because it distracts me from my own thoughts. My identity was intimately entwined with Mike; therefore, when I buried him, a piece of me was essentially buried alive. Seventeen months ago, I lost myself. And, now, I am grasping to redefine my self identity.
In order to do this, I need to withdraw and delve into myself. Now, I am quiet because I am constantly participating in an internal dialogue. As I attempt to re-establish my identity I am endlessly searching my Soul to discover who I am. Countless thoughts swirl around inside my head as I work to redefine myself and rebuild my life. I am completely exhausted from all this thinking. And, most of the time, I feel unsettled in both my mind and in my heart.
Recently, I have eased up on the continuous planning and over-thinking. I have reduced the amount of time I spend arranging ideas in my head because I realize that the best thing I can do is step aside and let the plan unfold. I am more relaxed because I am certain everything will work out exactly as it should - regardless of what I do or don't do. Endlessly shifting thoughts and ideas around in my head will not serve me well in the wake of Mike's death. Finally, I understand that I need to do less strategizing and worrying. I simply need to have faith and enjoy my life as I am re-routed toward a future that is different than I had planned. Thankfully, I am no longer lacking faith. But, now, my latest conundrum is that I am lacking passion...