You're Not Here

I am only human. Although I know this life is so much bigger than me, the pain still takes a hold of me while you’re not here. Defeated I feel at times, in need of inspiration. In need of you, our love and your strength.

Infuriated, devastated and heart broken. You promised you would protect my heart but it’s shattered. The one person I trusted in most, you have hurt me the most. Unknowingly you took our future from us, you took everything that was anything with your last breath.

I love you.

I don’t like to scream at you but in fleeting moments rage releases “How could you be so stupid!” I hate myself for being angry. It’s not your fault. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be angrier with you than you. My anger is not so much directed to you, I just feel cheated of our happily ever after! Our story was not finished, this was not the life we planned or deserved.

I don’t blame you.

Watching our children grow and you’re not here to share it. In my darkest moments you’re not here to hold me. Your smile like a photograph in my mind, at times its torture. Your words “I’ll never leave you baby girl” stick like glue and disillusion me. Bringing me down from the clouds, because you have left me. That’s reality and I need to face it, I know.

But I don’t want to!

I want to feel as though tomorrow you will be home. Living as though you are still here because living in reality is overwhelmingly painful. In the clouds I can feel comfortably numb. Unfair is an understatement, there are no words that can explain the enormity of the emotions around your loss. The tomorrow I long for never comes.

Where are you? You said you wouldn’t leave.

Are you standing beside me, can you feel the pain I feel? Sometimes I think yes. At times there is a familiar feeling that sweeps over me. A sensation that occurs out of nowhere and I pause whatever I’m doing so to embrace you. It’s somewhat unexplainable, as though feeling an emotion or warmth from a particular time and place. A memory. My mind then travels to that memory. Always being a spontaneous thought.

Is it real or is it hope? Is it our connection, is it you?

Are you with me while I cry? Do you hold me through the agonising hours? Am I really so alone? I feel alone. Oh god, I miss you! The constant longing, its torture having to feel this way. Am I strong enough? It’s not a choice, I have to be. I have loved you over half my life, do I bother to ask again why did this happen? The numbness I feel and delusion that you will walk through the door and sweep me off my feet.

But you’re not here. At least not in the physical sense.

I can’t let go, there is a weight I can’t release. It’s the dreams we had, the future we planned and the life we should still be living. Until I cut loose this weight, I know I’ll continue to fall. Will you catch me before I hit the bottom? I subconsciously hope that I will find you there. Waiting.

Wandering sometimes close to the edge, searching for you. What I need to grasp is that I am falling, you are not to be found and I must strengthen my wings.

Using our love to survive this journey.

I wish you were here.

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