Tonight I went out into NYC to hang with some friends in the comedy world, and to see my dear friend and legendary comedian Elayne Boosler host a live TV taping of a stand-up comedy show called "Gotham Live" on AXIS TV. She got me into the show along with a few others as her guest, and there was an after-party downstairs at the club following the show, and then about 8 of us went out for food and drinks after that. It was one of those epic nights that only happen in NYC, and she put me in a cab home just about an hour ago. Its now 3:40 am and Im writing this blog post. I had such an amazing time tonight, and I love my friend Elayne so much. And yet, every time I am with her and we have nights like tonight that remind me why I love living in NYC so much - I cant help but have this empty and sad feeling in the pit of my soul, that is just reaching out for Don, missing him. But its more than that. Its not just that I miss him. It's that HE is missing THIS. He is missing nights like this - the kind of nights he would have so loved and appreciated. And it sucks that he isnt here to share them with me or to experience all the great things about NYC. Even after 4 years, it still always sucks coming home alone and not having that "after" conversation as husband and wife - the one where you lie in bed together and analyze and break down the evening's events, like commentators. Instead of that, there is just silence. Nothing. I am not sure if I will ever get used to that.
My husband admired Elayne both as a comedian, and as an animal activist. (Her foundation , TailsofJoy, helps rescue animals all over the country) Elayne and I became friends first on Facebook, and then I went to see her perform one time, and we went out to a diner afterwards with some other comics, and our friendship was born. I remember telling her how much my husband loves her, and she suggested that her and her husband Bill and me and Don all get together very soon at their apartment for dinner. Two weeks later, Don was dead and Elayne was offering to headline the comedy benefit show we were going to do in honor of Don. If only he knew - or maybe he does - Im still so confused as to where I stand on that. All I know is that every time I go out and do something fun with friends, or experience a new Broadway show or a concert or sporting events or comedian or all the other things NYC has to offer, I just think to myself: Youre missing it. Youre missing all of it. And the thought of that makes me incredibly sad. There are just too many things that he is missing. Too many things that I do alone or with others, that we would have been doing together. I try my hardest to make myself think that I am doing these things for both of us, or on his behalf. But it still makes me really sad. Funny thing about someone being here "in spirit" - it's a lousy replacement for the person actually being here, and it will never be the same.