I think for a long time I thought that I'd feel happiness through some sort of thick membrane - see it, sort of touch it, and even be able to experience it in a distant way, but I doubted I'd ever feel genuinely happy again. I was certain the lessons that life had taught me would keep me removed from true happiness - I just wouldn't be able to let it in, or I'd always be waiting for the doom to set in.
Thankfully, I'm a pretty happy person by nature, and as the weeks, months, and years ticked by I returned to my more naturally happy self. I think Grayson has been a huge part of that transition. It's tough to stay sad and scared about the future when faced with the daily joys of a small boy who loves his life regardless of the tragedy he's experienced. It rubbed off on me, and I'm forever grateful for it.
I did doubt that I'd ever find love again, and I said that out loud to more than one friend. I just figured it wouldn't happen for me. I had it good once, I shouldn't expect it a second time. I didn't really want it. I was too afraid of the reality: we die. There is 100 percent chance that my next relationship will end in death, either his or mine. That thought was a daunting one. Being widowed sucks. Being widowed twice? God help me. I was afraid. I'm not generally a shrinking violet, so fear isn't usually a good demotivator for me. This time though, this fear...it was a big one. I didn't realize how scared I was until I was suddenly faced with Carl. The right guy. The one who I could really see a future with, and he was clearly on board with a future with me. Holy crap. Now what?
Imagine a woman who thinks her way out of most problems...imagine this woman analyzing the undeniable logic of death.
- Death happens, it sucks, but there is only one way into this world, and one way out of it.
- We all die.
- I'm afraid of losing people I love.
- If I don't love people, then death won't hurt so much.
Clearly the logical solution is to avoid love. When people die (and they will die) it won't be nearly as painful if you don't love them. My brain saw the logic, but fortunately for me, my heart didn't buy the argument. My heart had already made the leap of faith while my brain was still mulling it over. I think that's why they call it falling in love - you don't actually look around and choose to jump - your heart pushes you off the cliff before your brain knows what's going on and suddenly you're falling.....
I still can't quite believe my luck. I'm stunned. I'm ridiculously happy. I'm shocked by it all and oh so thankful. Thank goodness my heart took over months ago and told my scared logical brain to shut the hell up. Thank goodness when the question was asked, my heart jumped for joy, and my brain said "Yes" without a single doubt. I said Yes! :)