“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”-Winnie the Pooh
Always be with me….. I really hope so. But I know her and her curious, wandering ways and know that it’s much more likely that she’s off exploring the wonders of wherever she may be. Sure, I’ll bet she checks back occasionally but she’s busy, busy, busy learning, reorganizing, teaching, and talking. I don’t take any offense to that. Heck, no, that’s part of her special sauce and part of why I fell in love. She was so… alive.
Time has smudged up my memory of her and I’m sad for reasons that you can understand but others can’t. But rather than be sad or deep or whatever is my proclivity, I have a list of questions that have been on my mind lately:
- Is she really with me always, hanging around, watching what I do? Or is she off doing her own thing and I really am alone?
- Do our puppies remember her? If they do, do they miss her? Do they recognize her smell on anything and wonder, “Hey, where’d Mom go?”
- If she’s with me, can she hear my thoughts or do I have to talk out loud for her to hear me?
- Can she change things or make things happen? Does she?
- What would her life be right now if I was dead and she was me? Would she be dating? Would she have thrown my clothes away? What things of mine would she have kept? Would she be happy?
- If she’s seen all that I’ve done (because she’s been hanging around checking on me) is she upset with anything I’ve done or not done?
- Are my memories of her going to continue to fade until she’s just a reflection of the pictures that I have of her?
- If/when I find another love, will my mind confuse how it felt to hold her with how it feels to hold my new love? Will my hands remember what it was like to hold the back of her neck or the small of her back? Can I let go enough to ever be ok with that?
- What do I do with her shoes? Purses?
- Why don’t any of our friends mention her name?
- Why is it worth living if when you die no one talks about you anymore?
I miss her so much. It makes me even more sad that no one seems to miss her as much as I do. And the people that know how much I miss her act as though my continued pining for my sweet wife is a sad failure, like I’m not doing my part to move forward. Maybe I’m not.
What would Winnie say? Oh yeah:
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
-Winnie the Pooh