Even while I'm engaged in various activities, my mind's eye, my heart's eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that's what I've known all along and didn't remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body. That something that will bring light back into my life, that will help me not only believe but help me know that Chuck is still with me. That he is around me in ways that are in no way as he was but in a way that may, that will, help me feel less alone and less without him.
I'm not a Christian. I believe in a Higher Power that was forged in AA but everything I ever believed in went up in flames the night Chuck died and since that time, any belief I have is intellectual more than something felt. My brain seems to know so much that does me no good at all because I can't connect to it emotionally. Emotionally, all I feel is the pain of grief or numbness. The missing-ness. If Chuck were here, he'd tell me to get out of my head. I don't know what action to take to implement that, is the thing.
How to get out of my head...
So, I'm searching. My plan is to go out to the desert some night and gaze up at the dark skies and marvel at the stars and the moon and contemplate the hugeness of the Universe. I'm stockpiling poetry about those things. Somewhere in me, when I read of the stars and the moon and mysteries of the Universe, a little ping goes off and a place I can't yet connect to, recognizes their beauty and possibility of the pain easing through them. I want to read about parallel universes and Einstein and his theories. Poetry and science, I think, are the path for me. I hope.
I read this earlier today. "rather than make resolutions for grief, every morning and every evening we pray (by chanting, our form of prayer), for the happiness or repose of all the deceased. We believe that if we continue our growth and pursuit of happiness, our deceased family and friends will continue to become happy as well". This was from http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-new-years-resolutions-for-grievers/ and it appeals to me.
I don't have any answers, for myself or anyone else. We're all searching. For a sense of peace. For an end to the pain. For the Love that remains to truly be stronger than the grief. Searching. And that's not a bad thing, at least for me. Asking questions, searching...that's what can lead to answers and even more questions and, more answers.
Oh, my dearest love, as we enter this new year, another new year without you, my heart reaches out to you, wherever you are, hoping you are somewhere. Do you feel me missing you?
I will love you always~