Twenty six days after my husband's 46th birthday he sat in the doctor's office alone expecting to hear that he needed a cortisone injection in his back. Instead, he was told he was dying of cancer. Two days later, he told me. Two hundred and seventy eight days after he told me, he died at home.
During the time that Ben was sick we began writing a blog. It started as a way to keep family and friends updated, but ended up being the only thing that kept me sane. I use blogging as a way to purge myself of pain, as a way to connect to others who get it, and as a way to offer help and receive help when I need it. Mostly, I blog to remember Ben.
Good advice, right? I have always liked to pass that piece of advice onto my kids whenever I had the opportunity. “Take time off before University. Go see the world. Live your life while you can.” That’s what we used to say to them. We had all sorts of tidbits of advice which included, "Happiness is a choice, so choose it." "Be a good person." "Work hard." "Be kind" and "Live Your Life". We only get one of them.
But then Ben died, and everything changed. I became torn between wanting my kids to live their lives and wanting them home with me every second. I became obsessed with controlling everything they did, even when I knew I was being ridiculous. Even when a little voice inside my head told me to lay off or they would say "Sayonara Mama" and move right out of this house so that they no longer had me breathing down their necks. Even when I caused my son immense frustration. Even when I made my daughter cry.
It seems that after Ben died I no longer wanted them to live the life they wanted … I wanted them to live the life that I wanted. And I wanted them home, safe, and with me every minute.Read more
At the time of this writing it is September 24th. Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary.
I know that everyone out there reading this post can understand that this is a difficult week for me. I miss Ben beyond measure every single day, but on our anniversary, well, that's one of the tougher ones.
I wrote an anniversary letter to Ben on my personal blog. It was my intent to copy that letter into this blog because I simply do not have the energy to write again this week. I'm worn out. I know you get it.
As often tends to happen when one is exhausted, worn out, missing their husband and generally frustrated beyond belief, more things go wrong. This time was no exception. It turns out that my idea was not as simple as I imagined it would be. I was not able to copy my post as I wrote it because the video clips wouldn't upload properly. I found that frustratingly annoying and was at the point where I felt like grabbing this computer and tossing it straight out the window. I want to show off my marriage to the world this week. I don't want to have to cut out those video clips, you know?
In an effort to save my computer and possibly my sanity (at least what is left of it) I came up with an alternate solution. I decided to simply provide the link to the post I wrote on my personal blog and to ask you to take just a moment to click on it and read my letter to Ben. Simple, right? Good idea? Well, I thought so, until I tried it. I tried to provide the link but it seemed to not want to work properly either. Can you feel my frustration here?!
So, I have provided the address to that specific blog post below. If the link ends up working, that will be fantastic and I hope you will click on it and take a moment to read it in Ben's memory. But, if the link doesn't work properly, I hope that you will copy and paste it and still take a moment to read my words. I want to share my love for Ben, with you.
This is the second anniversary that I have celebrated endured without him. I miss him terribly.Read more