Wanting Love

I feel like I feel too much and think too much when really I shouldn’t overthink the concept at all. Just flow with life and the new beginnings it may bring. Enjoy it for all that it is and could be. Instead though, I feel guilty and scared. Scared that if I allow myself to love again, that love will be taken away. Guilty that I have thoughts of wanting to be with another. Craving intimate moments, soulful conversations, touch, cuddles, sharing stories and laughter, looking into another’s eyes, hearing the words “I love you” and feeling loved. I miss all of these things so much. To me these have always been what makes life worth living, being able to share in life and love with another. I feel guilty for wanting to feel love again. 

He was supposed to be my forever and a day, my fairy tale and happily ever after. The only thing that lasts forever, is love. I read a blog post recently written by Michelle Steinke (one fit widow) and she wrote “The beginning and the middle are the fairy tale. The acceptance and growth of new friendship. The acceptance of new feelings. The acceptance of new love” I know guilt should not surround my thoughts of finding love after loss but it does. John would be the first to want me to feel love again “You deserve to feel loved intensely, in every moment, every day, for the rest of your days” were his words to me. And he lived up to his words, I felt loved intensely by him every minute that we were together. I want to feel in love again.

 

There will not be another love like the love I shared with John and I wouldn’t want it to be the same, he is irreplaceable and what we had was truly unbelievable. I do believe though that I will not spend my life alone. I will fall in love again. In a different way. And although I’ll never be ready for it, it will happen because I am becoming open to the idea of it.

When I was a teenager someone I looked up to very much said to me “love will find you only when you least expect it” these words have always stuck with me. I trust that when the timing is way off or perfectly perfect, when I least expect it, when I’m both ready and not ready for it. The man who is right for me will find me and love all of me, including the part of me that will always love John.

 

 


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  • commented 2017-01-30 20:27:34 -0800
    I feel your pain as well and your words could have been mine . Prayers for comfort and hope that we both find love again .
  • commented 2017-01-28 16:14:35 -0800
    Heartbreakingly beautiful writing Kaiti. John wanted you to continue being loved, and it will happen.