Is it progress, in grief, when you realize that, fuck it looks like I'm going to live after all? When you realize that you must create a life because you're still alive, even if your wish is to not be alive, because you're so done with the whole damn missing business?
But you are alive and, therefore, practical shit is required, so you make up your mind to take care of, and tend to, the practical shit even though you don't want to, even as your heart fights doing so.
But it isn't so much about creating a life because you want to. You set about creating it because you have to. What with still being alive and stuff.
Does that still qualify as progress in grief, do you think?
Or is progress signified only when actual desire to create a life even while a heart is broken, is present?
Is it only significant when passion and interest and enthusiasm steer the way?
Or is it progress that you at least recognize that fuck I’m still alive and I’d rather not be alive but I’m not going to kill myself and even though I was damn for sure certain that I’d die of a broken heart because what better candidate is there than me standing here with, you know, a busted broken heart but I fucking haven’t died and it seems my heart is just fine even in its’ brokenness, so….I guess I have to create a fucking life so I'm at least going to live it in as epic a manner as possible?
Does creating a life in spite of a lack of enthusiasm for creating said life still count, or do we get points taken off for the lack of enthusiasm?
Does creating a life only matter if we approach it at it full-throttle?
Or do you think that it takes even more energy and determination to create a life with a broken, uncertain heart, but you create it nonetheless, than it does when all systems are go and you can barely catch your breath for enthusiasm?
I'm okay with my state of mind regarding all this, but my unfettered brain still wanders in this direction now and again.
Points to ponder...