..... I am angry this week.
I'm more than angry.
(I'd say that I'm pissed but I don't want to appear un-lady-like.)
I'm angry at a certain person and the anger is magnified because he's not even here to notice or deal with it.
Yep, I'm angry with Jim .... who's been dead for 2 years and 2 months (but who's counting?).
How dare he leave me here to be a single parent?! Parenting was already challenging enough (a nice word for horribly difficult) when there were 2 of us, but at least we had each other.
At least we gave each other the strength we needed to stand firm.
At least he was here to listen to the teacher messages and read their e-mails.
At least we backed each other up on tough and unpopular decisions.
At least there were two of us to bounce ideas off of.
At least we were both here to share the blame when the kids were unhappy.
At least ......
At least he was here.
And now it's just me.
It's just me who gets the messages.
It's just me who makes the decisions (and I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time).
It's just me gets the blame.
It's just me who feels like I suck as a parent now.
It's just me who worries and wonders what the future holds for the child who just doesn't care.
It's just me who is constantly guessing at what works with bigger-than-me teenage boys.
It's just me who feels like a complete failure.
It's just me.
And I hate it.
I, like the rest of you, didn't sign up for this.
I know that he, like each of your spouses, didn't choose this ..... but sometimes, on weeks like this one, that doesn't matter.
Yes, it's irrational.
Yes, it's immature.
Yes, it does no good.
But there you have it ...... I'm still angry.
And I very much want to quit.
I want to turn in my parenting badge and say, "I give up. I can't do it anymore. Find someone who knows what they're doing. I quit."
But I can't seem to find the person in charge who will take my resignation.
I don't know where to go or who to talk to about quitting.
And so I write.
And keep breathing.