Sometimes I talk to him ....

05_06_09.jpgYes ..... sometimes I talk to Jim.  This is a new experience for me.  I've been a widow for over 16 months and I've never really "talked" to him .... until recently.

I couldn't do it before.  I couldn't believe that he could see and hear me.  After all, I have no doubt that he is in Heaven .... no doubt at all.  And I have no doubt that there are no tears .... or sadness in Heaven.  And so I believed that there was no way he could see or hear me ...... or he would be terribly, terribly sad.

He would hate to see what his death has done to me.

And so I couldn't talk to him.

But this has started to change in the last month.  I'm not entirely sure why .... though I believe one reason is that I am feeling "better".  I decided last month to go back on my anti-depressants that I first went on a month after he died.  That story is a whole 'nother blog post for a whole 'nother day.

But .... I did go back on them .... and I am glad.  I can tell a huge difference.  And somehow ... in that difference .... I have started talking to him. 

I now talk to him at different times in the day .... mainly in the car when I have some time to be quiet and reflect on things.  I tell him what's going on and what the kids are up to.  I tell him that I wish he were here to give me his opinion on things, but I'm not sad.  I feel a bit more relaxed talking to him ..... pouring out my day to him.

I'm still not sure what I believe about him being able to hear me.  I'd like to believe that he can.  I'd like to believe that he's here .... with me and with each of our six children .... as a sort of "guardian angel".  That's what I'd like to believe.  But if pushed to answer if I really believe that .... I'm not sure what I'd say.  So I choose to not dwell too much on what is, or is not, possible ... and I talk.

Because talking to him makes me feel better now.

Now. 

It didn't always ...... but it does now.

I know some women have talked to their husbands from day one.  I envied them when I couldn't do that. 

But now I'm one of them.

And I'm glad.

I know that he is very proud of the kids .... and of me.  I don't think he's surprised at how much we've accomplished and how far we've come.  He always had much more faith in me than I had in myself.  He was my number 1 cheerleader. 

And I think he still is.

I still miss him more than I can say ..... and would give anything to have him back.

But that is not a choice.  And so I move forward.

And I talk to him.

I hope that I always will .......

..... until the day that I see him again, face to face.

And I know that we will have SO much to talk about that day.

I look forward to it ..... probably more than he does.

Because he knows that on that day .... I will talk his ears off.

Hopefully he's enjoying the peace ..... while he can.

:)


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