I am strong, but I am also fragile. My heart feels as though it’s in ever changing pieces, but full at the same time. I am terrified of love, but long for its place in my life again. I am very self-assured but insecure of life around me. Because there are no guarantees and no promises. I make progress daily through this heart ache and take steps to move forwards, to trust in the unknown again. Because I know life is too short to wait for happiness.
Sometimes though just one small trigger takes me back to a day I don’t like to remember and with the memory of that day fear consumes me.
It’s as though I’m there again. Images flash quickly through my mind, I can feel what it felt like to place my fingertips to his face, to touch his cold skin. I feel shock. I can feel how hard his once warm and soft body is, I can see his face, he is not the same colour, his body is there, but he is not. Not in that box, he is just gone. And no matter how much I want him to, he doesn’t wake up, his eyes do not open. I cannot control this, it’s too late to fix it. I could have saved him. It is not him in the box. Why won’t he wake up!
During this panic attack thoughts race through my mind so fast it’s hard to keep up. It will happen again. I am terrified of going through this again. Constantly wanting to keep the important people in my life safe. I feel at times like a crazy person.
I dream about death, about the ones I love dying, subconsciously constantly worried about it. I live now with death as a shadow behind me. It’s always present. When I’m in the present moment and want to share it with him death is present as well. When I try to call friends and their phones ring out, my mind goes to death. Because he never not answered my calls, until death.
This is something I know that will only leave me with time. And just as fast as his heart stopped beating, time slips so quickly through our fingertips. I don’t want to live my life wasting time, thinking of when another’s time will be up.
So far what has helped me most to not worry about this is spending my time in moments with them as often as possible.