Some weeks are just harder than others. Some weeks everything just weighs on me more. This was one of those weeks.
I worry greatly that I'm not giving my kids the love they deserve. I worry they only see me as this mean mom who yells and is constantly correcting them.
Honestly as much as they have been through the last thing they deserve is a bad mom. My son who is five told me this week he doesn’t like me. It cut me hard. I know kids say things when they are mad but he has always been such a sweet boy. I just feel like there is so much sorrow in them and they don’t know how to express it.
I try to be there for them as much as I can but the truth is I am wore thin. When things were stressful in the past I used to always tell myself this too will pass. One day my kids will be grown and I will miss having little ones waking me up at night to snuggle. It's just hard, hard to calm down these days. I'm tired and sad. I know these are things I can not take out on them but the truth is it shows. They know mommy is sad sometimes and probably can guess why.
I wish I had all the patience in the world and could be that perfect mom. But I can't. I am human and I’m going to make mistakes and unfortunately they will be apart of some of those mistakes.
My hope is they always know I love them and I can make them proud. My hope is they become amazing compassionate adults who better this world. My hope is they always know I will be there home and they will be mine.