Time. Seriously.

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Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. 

I shuddered the other day when I realized that he's been dead for 15 months.  In our 24 years together, we've never been apart this long.

15 months.  I still don't remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so.  I look at pictures and they are only memories, times that will never be again.

And yet. 

And yet, it was only a heart beat since he and I danced in Death Valley in what would turn out to be our last dance. 

Time and distance and memories and heart break and grief that doesn't kill you and you wonder why but you have to build a life so you do.  You do your damndest to create a life that will shout and scream defiance to death but nothing seeps into your heart which holds so much grief but also Love because he left so much behind and that's what you're living on.  Well, that and chocolate.  And diet pepsi.

I'm still young, though I shudder to think what my insides look like after eating like shit for 15 months and not exercising.  Theoretically, I could live for another 30 years. 

30 years without him....no, I don't like that idea at all. 

So, I don't think of those years.  I don't think of next year or next month or even tomorrow.  I look down at my feet and see where I'm standing and I stay right here.  Anything else is too painful to contemplate.

He was in my life forever, or 24 years, whichever came first.  He's been gone for 15 months, or forever, whichever comes first.  I'll live the rest of my life without him, however you count.

In this life of without-ness, I send a wish to the Universe that I may create a life canvas of such beauty and color that all who observe it, even for an instant, will be in awe of the startling swaths of Love that swirl and dip within it, and know that it is all in memory and honor of this man, my husband, who so loved me, and who was so loved by me.  That this Love will seek its' deepest point within me and radiate outwards in such a way that the world is blinded by its' shine.  Let Love shimmer and burst  forth until I truly become my daily mantra....Nothin' But Love...

Let Love shine~


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