This Silent Companion~

This life

This life without him

This life without his tangible Love

His eyes no longer upon me from across the room

His smile no longer beckoning me into his arms

This life

Of silence at the end of the day

Quiet all around me

Just my thoughts rolling and roiling around in my brain

And in my heart, though I’ve only realized since his death that it is possible to have thoughts in my heart as well as my brain

Yes I can and do seek out company

Friends when I can

Phone calls to family and others

But

This silence

The silence of his absence

Is not really about noise

It's about absence

So I go and I do and I don't do and I sit and I move and I'm still and I'm everything and I'm nothing

Until I can no longer bear the silence

And I go to bed

To sleep

A time when it is supposed to be silent

But

My brain and my heart and my mind and my soul

Spin and swirl and spiral with memories and unspoken words

Sometimes I’m driven to speak the words and the absence aloud to the quiet room

Which isn’t the same you know

So seeking to change the energy

I find  whatever anonymous no threatening music no violence no anger very placid show available on my laptop and run it continually through the night

At least it’s noise when I wake during the night, right?

Because wake I will and do

Distraction from my heart

Distraction from missing-ness

Distraction from emptiness

Until morning finally arrives and I wake again to that familiar companion…

Silence

Another day


Showing 3 reactions

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  • commented 2016-08-10 22:31:14 -0700
    The silence is so deafening isn’t it?
  • commented 2016-08-10 17:01:41 -0700
    So powerful
  • commented 2016-08-10 05:50:05 -0700
    Alison: Once again you have expressed exactly what has been in my heart especially this past week. It’s been 10 months and 10 days since he’s gone and the silence is the hardest part. I guess as time goes on without him at my side the reality of this loss becomes clearer. I miss him every single moment and my life is just about trying to fill the hours and escape the silence. thank you for such a beautiful but heartbreaking expression of love. because after all , our heartbreak is a testament to the amazing love we shared.

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