Holidays are always more intense. You notice the absence of your loved one even more. If this is your first Christmas without your spouse I'm truly sorry. If this is your tenth without your spouse I am still just as equally truly sorry.
I remember my very First Christmas with Joey. We had been dating a few months and exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. We sat by the tree at my dads house. We were so excited. So young and in love. It's a beautiful memory.
I wish I could recap my first Christmas without Joey. But the truth is I can't. I don't remember it. I remember bits and piece here and there but for the most part I have no memory of it.
I can't picture my kids opening their gifts. I couldn't even tell you who was here. I do remember telling everyone in my family to not get me any gifts. And if they did I would not open them. I refused to receive presents if I could not have any from Joey.
This Christmas I told myself to be in the moment. Be present. Christmas is going to happen whether I like it or not and it's my responsibility to celebrate it. So we spent Christmas Eve with Joey's family and then mine. It was a nice day. And on Christmas we open presents as a family. I took no pictures, I just watched. I took it in. I was here. I gave my kids their quilts made from Joey's shirts and they love them. We had a great day as a family. And really that's what it's all about. Really appreciating the ones you have.
I excused myself at the end and had my moment of tears to myself. And that's ok. My grief is present but I am too. I'm learning and I'm healing. I'm human so I feel and cry but I smile and love. It's a beautiful thing really.