How many times can I write of the same pain? The same silent cries and the screams without sound. The aches I allow no one to witness and the angry and afraid version of myself no one would believe really exists. It’s a perspective I wish the world knew and a reality no one should have to live with. Choosing to show friends, only the side of grief I’m comfortable with them seeing. Explained with words like “I had a rough night” or “Yesterday was hard” followed with an “I’m okay now” and a smile. Because as much as I have tried to explain it, my words don’t come close.
A rough night begins with something so simple. Like hearing a song that reminds me of a life I no longer have. Or cooking dinner for one. A physical ache builds in my chest and I tighten my fists. Tears start to fall heavily and my mind turns into a tornado of rapid spiralling thoughts. Consumed with I Miss You, Why, Please Come Back, I’m So Alone, What If, I Love You, I Don’t Want To Do This, It Hurts, Please! Trying to search for a way out of the pain, an outlet of some kind. “Just Breathe!” I say to myself trying to fight the urge to scream.
Living this way has become normal now.
I have become use to it.
There is nothing that can be done about it.
And I find it harder to write about, now that it has become normal. It is the same horrific experience each and every time. My perspectives stay the same because it is the same familiarity over and over again. Whoever wrote grief is only supposed to last three months has never lost someone they love. Grief lasts forever. Its normal, its life now. The same pain I felt over eleven months ago, it’s just that it’s no longer a shock when the waves come crashing.
Because they’ve been continuous for so long.
There are longer periods of calm between them, but like the tide grief is forever changing. When it storms, it thrashes, I struggle to breathe and in the moment I feel as though I’m going to drown this time. Remembering though I’m a seasoned captain now and I know how to navigate to calmer waters with perseverance and strength. The sunrise is always just over the horizon and it beams brightly at me every day in the form of smiles from the people I love most. This ship stays afloat and on course for them and because of them.