The New Road

3_26_11.jpgsome where on the I-5 in CA heading south


862 miles
14 hours in the car
in two days.
Less actually, because we left at 1:00 pm on Friday and got back tonight (Saturday) at 7:00 pm.

It started with a casual comment."Hey, you guys wanna go to Sacramento to the State Championship Basketball games for the boys and the girls varsity teams?" I asked my kids on Tuesday.

"Sure." came their reply, unaware of the weight their casualness carried.

The plan?
Drive to San Francisco, (387 miles) stay over night with Art's cousin.
Get up early the next morning and drive to Sacramento (91 miles).
Watch two basketball games, then drive home (384 miles).

The motivation is simple and clear.
It would be fun and
I think I can do it.

862 miles in 30 hours.

Crazy talk.
Overwhelming talk.
Why-didn't-someone-talk-me-out-of-it? talk.

Only this time, I notice, I'm on a new road.

It's unfamiliar.
It makes me grin.

The road is called SPONTANEITY! And I’m diggin' its slickness, its sense of adventure, its well-what-the-heckness, its I-can-handle-an-unplanned-event confidence.

Two years ago, I could not have done this.
Last year I could not have done this.
4 months ago, I could not have done this.
Today, I smirk.
I did it.

Spontaneity powers my grin.
Forgiveness powers my spontaneity.
Death powers the forgiveness.

Because after his death,
after the grief lifts for longer and longer periods of time,
I see that …

grief
didn’t
kill me
(although I was sure it would).

I notice that...
I didn’t
cry
myself
to death
(although I tried).

I realize that...
the next day
kept
showing up
(although I doubted it would come again).

I grasp that ...
life went on,
but
yes,
yes
it
got
better.

I have faced loss,
painful,
excruciating loss
and
I’m still hear.

Did you hear me???????

I'M STILL HERE!!!!!



Nothing will be as hard as those moments.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!!

In the realization comes freedom.

Spontaneity is my new road and I’m driving it, baby, on cruise control because
I
have
been
to hell
and
I’m
back.

On Thursday, a friend texted me and asked
“Do you want to go see Lady Gaga on Monday? VIP seats!”

As if I need VIP seats as an incentive.


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