The Jury Has Made a Decision ...

As a widowed person, I sometimes feel as if I'm been convicted of something. 

Perhaps I did something wrong, and I just dont remember. 

Being widowed is sort of like having to plead your case,

take the Fifth,

plead insanity, 

to a Jury of your "peers",

over and over and over 

Again. 

For some reason,

when you become widowed,

people seem to think

that this gives them the right

to give any and all opinions

on your life. 

How you should feel.

What you should do. 

Shouldnt do. 

How you should grieve. 

When you should date. 

When you should "get rid of" his things. 

Take off your wedding ring. 

Move on. 

Get over it. 

"It's been 3 months. Why arent you dating anyone?" 

OR 

"It's been 6 years, and you're in LOVE after only knowing someone for a few months? That seems VERY FAST!" 

Well,

you know what? 

Fuck off. 

Seriously. 

Fuck. 

Off.  

 

Yes. 

Im angry.

I have every right to be. 

Im sick and tired of being judged. 

Of feeling like people think I've lost my common sense,

and not my husband. 

Of feeling like everyone is silently, or VERY LOUDLY, judging and picking apart 

everything I do. 

Or don't do. 

I'm tired of it. 

I'm not on trial here. 

I haven't commited a crime. 

 

I love two men. 

One of them is still dead, forever. 

It took me SIX YEARS to get here. 

To be able to love again. 

Love after loss is messy. 

Complicated. 

Fierce. 

Emotional. 

Eyes wide-open. 

Incredibly beautiful. 

Profound, even. 

When you have lost everything - 

your partner, your world, your future, your present, your sense of life having meaning, 

THE LIFE YOU KNEW, 

when it all disappears, 

before you have even woken up that morning, 

you are changed,  

profoundly,

forever. 

HOW you are changed,

is ultimately,

up to you. 

 

I have changed. 

I am more emotional. 

I am more sensitive to things. 

I am more compassionate. 

Less judgmental. 

More patient. 

More empathetic. 

I love deeper. 

Bigger.

Louder. 

 

My relationship with my late husband,

was a slow build. 

A deep friendship that turned into more,

over time. 

 

My new love

Is a volcano. 

It erupted and sparked and turned me inside out, 

and Love didnt just WALK in,

it sprinted. 

It tumbled down a lava-filled mountain,

screaming and cheering and carrying on. 

Its terrifying. 

Every single day I wake up and think,

"What if he dies today?

What if we don't even get our first Christmas together?

What if we don't have our first New Years Eve?

What if I wake up one day, and it's just gone,

all over again?" 

 

Panic and terror and anxiety are a part of me now. 

They just are. 

That's what happens when you wake up one morning,

and your husband is already dead. 

That never leaves you. 

Never.

 

So I can close off my heart to love,

forever,

because I don't want the panic. 

And because,

I can't go through that never-ending pain of losing them,

Again. 

OR,

I can love profoundly,

with the knowledge

seeped into my brain

always,

that this may end tomorrow. 

That tomorrow may not be a thing for us. 

 

I have chosen Love. 

I will live with the fear, so I can have the Love. 

I will love my dead husband,

as I love this beautiful new person. 

I will collect all the Love,

and hold it 

like a precious Jewel,

never letting go. 

Just adding more,

and more,

and more. 

 

And if you,

and your Jury of peers, 

most of whom have NOT been through this,

and who have NOT A CLUE what this life is, 

want to judge me 

and convict me 

for loving 

and honoring

my dead husband 

Fiercely,

while 

loving and honoring my life,

and my new love,

Profoundly,

and deeply,

and simultaneously, 

 

If you want to convict me of that crime,

as you go back home and slide into bed

next to your husband, 

who is very much alive, 

Go For it. 

 

When it comes to Love, 

I plead Guilty. 

Every single time. 

 


Showing 6 reactions

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  • commented 2017-12-03 13:03:03 -0800
    THanks Candace. Carolyn, you are too kind.
    Kathie, sieze the moment indeed!
    Paula, sure. Maybe you can email me at kelleyiskelley@gmail.com and give me the details of how youd like to post it in your blog.
    Thanks for all the support everyone.
  • commented 2017-12-02 20:07:49 -0800
    Wow, so powerful and beautiful, and deep. Thank you for sharing.
  • commented 2017-12-02 06:37:46 -0800
    Great post as always Kelley. So very true! Thanks so much for validating my own experiences and providing the comfort that I am not alone. That is a gift that you and all the writers here share. I’m so grateful for that. Wishing you all the best. Keep going! Your strength is inspiring.
  • commented 2017-12-01 12:06:44 -0800
    I would love to repost this on my blog. Would that be possible??
  • commented 2017-12-01 12:06:43 -0800
    I would love to repost this on my blog. Would that be possible??
  • commented 2017-12-01 07:45:25 -0800
    My “manfriend” reminds me occasionally how I would check to make sure he was breathing when we first got together. I think my one big issue is I don’t feel I can say anything critical about him because my friends/family would say we aren’t married so give him the heave ho. My husband wasn’t perfect nor am I so why should manfriend be? Life is short and not guaranteed so seize the moment.

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