It has been a long time since I have really shared my life with a man. Four years, ten months, and seven days to be exact. In that time I have learned to juggle life as a single parent, a single person, a sole provider, the sole tenant on my mortgage...I have become accustomed to the fact that the buck stops with me.
For the last two weeks I have been in Australia with my fiancé. We have been working out the details of his move to the United States. He is moving half way around the world to marry me. Most days I am humbled and a bit awed by this fact, but sometimes the idea of leaping back into married life causes a slight (or full blown) panic attack.
Do NOT talk about them.
Do not bring them up in conversation!
Pretend they don’t exist.
Proper widows talk about proper topics. These two topics are socially don’t-ask-just-assume-the-best topics. Only the bold among my friends will broach the subjects.Read more
Phil died a violent death. Though my brain acknowledges this fact, I have tried to shield my heart from the reality of his final moments. I am not a person who ever felt compelled to explore the details of the exact location of his body on the pavement, or the number of seconds it took the driver to pull over after the accident. My imagination tends to run wild with very few details; I feared a minute to minute account would only lead to an ever playing mental video that I might not be able to turn off.Read more
You have cataracts." my eye doctor declares.
You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don't understand her the first time.
"But I'm 45 years old" I think.Read more
I am in a relationship.
It's been about 5 months now and it's mostly going great.
I am finding that having a relationship while still grieving for what I do not have is very, very difficult.
Of course it's difficult to blend the children. Some of mine are making it WAY difficult.
His (he has been a widower for over 8 years) have been great.
But that's not it.Read more
As my world stabilizes.
As I look forward, instead of back
As I feel the earth rooting me, it is exactly as the grief people said it will be.
"Many young children hold onto their grief until the surviving parent is able to cope. And then...."Read more
I have an internal panic switch which is automatically activated whenever anyone I love, know, am briefly acquainted with, or maybe even have only heard about on the evening news is not where they are supposed to be. Any and all types of missing people are presumed dead, by me, immediately.Read more
I have often said that anyone whose spouse has died should receive an automatic, lifetime, get-out-of-jail-free card. This card would be used for things like avoiding leaking faucets, flat tires, broken fences, faulty plumbing, and critters stuck under the house or in the chimney. This all purpose pass should also free the bearer from: teenage temper tantrums, homework and school projects, cooking dinner every, single night, nosy neighbors, unsolicited advice, ugly break-ups, and pretty much any other difficult or trying situation...for the rest of our lives. Period. Right?Read more
on the school forms for the kids
In Case of Emergency?
I was talking to someone the other day about the change in my perspective on things. Many things have changed in my life and in my mind since December 18, 2007. The biggest thing that has changed is my sense of fear. It seems that I don't have one. I wonder if it will come back?Read more