One issue I've found with having a few people having died on me when they were younger is the issue of doppelgängers - people who freakishly look the same. I've encountered them for my stepfather as I'm out around my city. Sometimes the right shape from behind, sometimes a glimpse of a profile. But I've not yet encountered Ian look-a-likes.Read more
Last night, after a tough week, a friend and I treated ourselves to a night out at a local comedy festival to have a few laughs and blow off some steam. We had tickets to see an up-and-coming Australian comedian who has acted in a couple of popular local TV shows and I was really looking forward to seeing her live.
It was great... until she started joking about suicide. My stomach dropped, my face started burning, my throat tightened and my eyes were pricked with tears. I couldn't believe it. There I was trying to forget about being a suicide widow for a night and the topic was being shoved in my face.
I've been aware for a few days or so that the anniversary march is starting up for me again. John's birthday, Surgery day, Illness day, Death day. A long 5 months.
This year, although actually a whole lot better at this point than the last two, there have been some bells ringing that I just couldn't put my finger on.
Until a bout of insomnia last night.
I spent a day unearthing minute details of Dave's death the other day. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
The manner in which his death was hastened has a lot to do with the care he had and that has led to an investigation of sorts. It came to a head last week and I felt the physical blow which accompanies the rehashing of the day he died.
I felt my brain try to reject the awful visuals this information brought up. His last moments were not with his loved ones.
I was driving home from work recently, singing along to the radio in my own little world, when I passed a car the exact same model and colour as my husband's. Next thing I knew I was instantly transported back to That Day.
The last time I saw my husband, 11 months ago, was around 8am as he kissed me goodbye and left for work. But he didn't go to work that morning, he drove an hour away from our home, parked his car in a hotel car park, checked in and took his life.Read more
"Don't be too late tonight, I really want to spend some time with you."
"I won't. It'll be an early hunt. I'll be back before the kids go to bed. I promise."
I promise. Right before we exchanged I love you's, this was one of the last things I heard Jeremy say to me. I've played it out so many times in my head, it gets very muddled now, and I don't even remember the exact words, but I promise always pulses through. Because when I hear it in my head, it can still make me hurt and even make me angry.Read more
My daughter is 8 years old. She will be 9 soon. Her Dad died when she was 7. She is a bright, beautiful, thoughtful, intelligent child. My blog name for her is Miss K. ...
...and Miss K has had a rough day.
maddy's bangs were
getting a little long
and i've learned
that i suck
at cutting hair,
so i took
her to a professional.Read more
I’m reading a report from a development optometrist Ezra saw last week. It’s a second opinion.
I didn’t read the first report. I tried to…
but it was too hard.
Both reports highlight some of the things Ezra is struggling with in school.Read more
I'd become comfortable. I'd accepted the fact that I must survive...thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse.
Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News that I didn't know how to take.