I take thee, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, until death do us part.
If he only knew what those vows mean.
He does though. He always will.
I’m a mess lately. Around the start of this past holiday season, I began regressing to a point where I am again a cynical, grumpy, and in general, angry person. It has nothing to do with Sarah, Shelby, work, or even the holidays, really. It truly does have everything to do with the fact that Megan is no longer here.
It’s not her death, specifically though, that caused this descent into a person I once was. It’s the remembrance of where she and I were at this time of year, not long before her death. It's the knowing that there were things that we were “working on” that were quite obviously put on hold when her organ rejection appeared. It’s the sense of any progress we had made being “all for naught” upon her death.Read more
Weddings can be a huge trigger for many widow(ers). It makes sense that attending a wedding brings up memories of one’s own wedding day. They emphasize that, at one time, you were married too, but now, your relationship status is somewhat murky, to say the least. Seeing a bride walk down the aisle, with a combination of tears and smiles, and saying “I do” shortly after uttering the words “til death do us part” seems more real when death has done one part.
Yesterday I accompanied some friends to what I thought was going to be a Fourth of July party at the beach here in Kona. When I arrived, the host, dressed in white with a beautiful lei, handed me a program…we were actually there for a surprise wedding! A few people, it turns out, had known, but I had no idea. I had only seen my friend with her new boyfriend out and about and they looked really happy together…and I knew my friend had faced some scary health issues in the past year, so that made me doubly happy she was doing so well.Read more
I am honest on this blog in that I don't lie about anything I write. Ever. But I don't shareabout everything here.
I don't talk about the problems in my marriage with Dave and I don't talk much about my dating life now. There are some things I just don't want to write about here.
But what would it be like if we all had a moment or a day or a week with the inability to hide all our truths? The dark and the light, all out in the open? What would that look like and feel like? Would it feel like freedom? Is it necessary? Would it be too painful for some to hear? Is it worth it?
Something tells me that while it might be painful for some to hear and might not be fully worth it, it might make a lot of people feel a whole hell of a lot better about their own dark places.
I'm not going to begin to share these things here, in this post, today. I'm not ready for that yet. I am, though, going to talk about why I don't. And maybe by talking about why I don't, we can start to think about what the barriers are and why they're there. If they're there for me, then I'm probably not the only one.