Young at heart...and lost

I love reading the blog! It's so refreshing to have my own thoughts coming out of another woman's mouth.


  • commented on The Meaning of Teeth 2017-07-13 14:21:30 -0700
    So true, so REAL! I am still working, because I need the $ and because work is my social context. I feel like I have no friends, can’t identify with my friends of 30-40 years, can’t really tolerate their lack of interest in how I am feeling or coping…that we don’t talk about it and I still have to put up with their foibles. I don’t have a vacation planned, as much because I cannot see myself traveling alone, don’t care to go anywhere now that I am a widow. Life does seem somewhat pointless and task-driven.

  • commented on Wired 2017-03-19 14:58:14 -0700
    I feel similarly about my husband and the role he played in my life. We met over 40 years ago. We grew up together in our adult lives. We faced many tests. Throughout he was the one who wanted to share his discoveries with me – sushi, spirituality that was not rootd in a local church, science fiction and those parts of it that really do exist between humans now, cooking, a political and historical framework for viewing the world. It’s hard to think of his vibrant spirit not being on this Earth. Yet, I am aware of his presence with me. And, like you, I question where this part of my journey goes without him. Time will tell…

  • commented on This Left-behind Love~ 2017-01-07 14:15:11 -0800
    Marissa Hutton and Donna Hooker, you are both so right! I am starting year 2 and I am so tired already! I wanted to be alone this weekend because I was just so tired from interacting with people all week, keeping up the front, feeling the toothache throb of sadness and “missing” all the time! And I don’t even think that I am doing that badly. I am building some new friendships with understanding and caring people, doing art for healing, cleaning my space, buying things for myself, decorated for Christmas…Right now I am feeling bored and lonely and I want HIM to be here with me…in a way that is tangible, not “in spirit”.

  • commented on A Christmas Surprise 2016-12-11 14:54:42 -0800
    You are so lucky! What a gift for you and your new little family! I wish I had some of that coming my way! I have no children, a brother who has divorced me – and I him due to toxicity. My “family” was my husband’s family, and they are all gone except for his brother. The two of us are kinda clinging to each other in the storm of holiday emotions.

  • commented on Mending Furniture & Hearts 2016-10-16 09:33:00 -0700
    Love, love, love this! I so want this for myself in the future!

  • commented on Transitions 2016-10-14 09:25:08 -0700
    Oh, Kelley! I am almost in tears! I can feel all that hope and healing! You are so, so inspiring! I too struggle with wondering who out there would want me and who out there I would want. I can’t imagine being alone for the rest of my life, but I am definitely looking at fog in front of me, dense fog. And I am not ready to be “looking”. More like waiting for an apple to fall into my lap. But really not ready. But your words give me hope and faith in the future. Thank you!

  • commented on Stepping out of the Vacuum 2016-10-01 11:12:41 -0700
    I have been struggling with the loss of “community” since my husband died just 1 year ago. My family and friends dropped me like a hot potato 4 weeks after he passed, including during the holidays. I only had my brother-in-law to lean on, so we grieved together. Once winter was over I connected a lot more over the spring months. But it’s hard…I am always the one to reach out to someone else. And none of my friends lives near me, so there is no informal dropping in. As we enter October, my weekend calendar is already filled up with a variety of things, all involving connecting with other people, so I am happy about it. But the other side of this is that I am always tired, work drains me, not having my husband to talk to drains me, and it sometimes seems that I am expending more energy to get to other people and be with them than I actually have to give. Last night I came home and wetn to bed at 7:30, ostensibly for a nap but I was not putting out the expectation that I would get up again…and I didn’t. I got up at 7:15 this morning, felt pretty refreshed, did a lot ibn the early part of the day.

  • commented on Working With Grief 2016-09-26 09:36:05 -0700
    My first experience with grief was when my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack 25 years ago. I loved him so much, and he was gone! I was sad and lethargic. Work was meaningless. My boss called me and said that I didn’t seem to be getting over his death (maybe 6 months later) and my interest in work was slacking. She suggested that I get therapy. I remember how insulted I was when she said that! I wasn’t “not performing”, I just wasn’t breaking my neck for the stupid job! Because compared to death, it was irrelevant. I was annoyed that she had put a time frame on my recovery and she was putting pressure on me. I didn’t feel that she was concerned about ME, just about how hard I was willing to work then. I didn’t go to therapy. I did recover in my own time. I still think that she was overstepping. I am glad that you are able to gie them what they want at your job. I am glad that you have the energy to fake it until you make it! Good luck! Hang in there!

  • commented on My Davy Jones Moment 2016-09-02 09:48:45 -0700
    Sadly, Al and my favorite singer is Luther Vandross…he’s already gone!

  • commented on Reconnection 2016-09-02 09:39:30 -0700
    My husband was my life! I did have a few close friends but he was the one I really, really wanted to be with…ALL the time! And we were home bodies together most of the time.

  • commented on Idle Thoughts instead of~ 2016-08-25 10:36:10 -0700
    I’m feeling that heaviness now as I transition from one job to another. I am happy about the job, but every night I’m exhausted! I wish I could take a vacation, but that’s an emotionally loaded thing too…a vacation without my husband? A stay cation in our empty apartment?
    It has been 10 months now. I’m getting better at dealing, can laugh and feel at least “pleasant”, not joyous. But the road ahead looks so long and empty. I daydream about having someone else…kind of “him” in another body…but I don’t feel ready to go through the whole relationship building thing. I don’t really want to attach to someone new, I want someone to come along and channel “him” so we can be back together.

  • commented on Trust Your Gut 2016-08-21 12:44:07 -0700
    Oh, your therapist’s word so resonate with me and what I was thinking about what you wrote!! Well, yeah, I’m a therapist, too. (Doesn’t mean that I know everything or have all the answers.) It really sounds like you are in transition. That’s why it feels so weird and off-balance. You ARE going to be on a different path, it’s working it’s way to you adf you are heading toward it. No, you don’t know what it is yet. But I go with listening to your inner voice in the quiet. Find somewhere to do that, maybe a park? New York City is a hard place to hear yourself, too intense and too much interference. Can you go outside of the city for a day? Or what about a ride on the Staten Island ferry? The point being to escape the concrete and be closer to nature so that you can relax and hear your voice speaking to you. I recently had a similar conversation with my brother-in-law, who is also grieving the loss of his brother. He is having difficulty with other people, with his job, with himself. He went up to VT this weekend and it really helped him.. Clean air, trees, friendship, worked for him. They have worked for me, too, as I rediscovered a cousin in Philadelphia over the summer.
    Kelley, there is something coming your way! Something good! Don’t give up! Just wait ofr it to come and be calm. You are where you need to be right now for this moment and when it arrives, you will be right there, ready for it. Believe!!
    I just started a job at a new clinic. I didn’t ask for it, it fell into my lap! It’s a perfect fit for me…closer to home, no Saturday work days, no long evening hours, same salary. I didn’t see it coming. But it arrived anyway!

  • commented on A Moonlit Dance~ 2016-08-04 18:28:08 -0700
    Lovely! Me too!

  • commented on I miss my someone 2016-07-12 09:45:16 -0700
    Gary, thanks for bringing hope and reassurance into the conversation!

  • commented on Sharing With Myself 2016-07-06 14:15:23 -0700
    Yeah, I think I will always be married to Al too.

  • commented on On Top of Ole Smoky 2016-07-06 14:11:37 -0700
    It’s summer now and I am thinking about vacation. My hubby and I didn’t go far, but we had our favorite places and our little vacation “routines”, like buying bagels at a certain place in a small town. Now I don’t know how to have a vacation. There’s no place that I want to go and no one to go with. I can’t imagine going back to the old familiar places. It wouldn’t be the same. We just used to enjoy being together and we found pleasure in small things, but it was really the US of the experience, more than the small things. It was doing something because the other person liked to do it. Mike, your story is bittersweet but I am glad that you have your new family to create new memories with. You won’t lose the memories of your life with Megan. You just get to do The Sequel now. That’s a good thing!

  • commented on Widowhood Confusion....What? 2016-07-16 08:54:07 -0700
    Dianne B, my thoughts exactly! I am already involved in caring for my mom and I had her and my husband to care for at the same time! Not interested in taking it on again, with someone who I’m not as invested in!

  • commented on Rhetorical Questions of the Night~ 2016-06-12 14:11:45 -0700
    Mary Beth Hotaling, I am right where you are! Trying to live life a few weeks at a time, scared of a new lifetime of being alone! I just recently got my friends and family back. I felt so abandoned by everyone for the first 6 months, like swimming in a vast ocean all alone with no Lans in sight.

  • commented on A Letter to My Younger Self 2016-06-12 10:46:57 -0700
    I wish that was me writing this letter. It says everything that I want to hear so desperately! It says thete is still life, and love, and still my beloved. I want that with all my heart and soul.

  • commented on It Took Me Ten Years 2016-05-20 09:47:34 -0700
    Reading your blog…I have a lot to learn about this “widow” thing! Now I see why in the beginning I thought the clearing out would be simple, and then I immediately got bogged down! My husband died 7 months ago. His stuff is still everywhere. I don’t have the energy to do a lot of sorting and organizing. I gave away 2 bags of clothes in the beginning…the stuff that he wasn’t wearing anyway or neither of us liked it. But there’s a second and third tier of everything that’s much more resistant to being moved. So I’m letting it stay. It’s not hurting anything, or me. None of his clothes fit me, so I only wear his over-sized bath robe. Wearing his clothes just doesn’t “do it” for me. For me, it’s holding onto his voice. The outgoing voice mail message is gone, but I gave recordings of talks he gave on online radio shows. I listen to them often and it feels like I still have him. But already I am relying on many new rituals that keep him “almost here”. I just wonder what happens if they start to get old and don’t work anymore. I’m terrified of the pain that lurks in the future. I so, so, so don’t want him to be gone!

I lost my husband in October, 2015. I have known him since 1974! We were best friends and soul mates. Now I am trying to figure out what's next. I am a social worker/therapist in an inner city mental health clinic. I have 2 cats. I enjoy all types of art.
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