I'm feeling indecisive these days. In fact, I wrote a very long post earlier this evening, then decided that it didn't adequately describe what I was feeling. I decided to leave it on my screen for awhile, then came back and hit delete.
There are so many times in my day to day life that I would love to have a do-over. I would love to just hit delete, then just start over fresh.
You know, I waste so much time in my day to day life. At work I'm productive, but then I come home, and often feel like whatever I do, or did, it was all just a waste. It's at that point that I wish I could just hit delete, and once again, start fresh.
I'm sad to report that these days, much of my free time still feels pointless. I often feel lost, or that I am just marking time. It's not that I want to be here, or in this state, it's just that I feel caught in some kind of thick mud. I can see all that life potentially has in store for me, but I don't really know how to get it anymore.
There is a duality in my desire for growth and change. I want desperately to be in a place of happiness. I want to have new people in my life, and I would love to see my home filled with weekend guests. Yet, what am I really doing to make this happen? Am I really ready for it, or am I simply not allowing it?
This weekend for example, I had most of the weekend to myself. My daughter had taken my youngest with her, so I was left to myself. This is something I used to cherish. Time alone. Well, it's something we used to cherish. Time alone, together. Now it seems that time alone is time to remember just how alone I am. It just serves to sadden me further.
And it's not like I am doing nothing about it. I am making a concerted effort to get out there now and then. I'm even going to the occasional restaurant, or club, by myself, in hopes of meeting someone. I'm not exactly sure what I will do if and when I do meet someone, but I know that I can't stay at home alone forever. I'm feeling like I need to meet someone new, who can rekindle those dormant feelings of excitement and passion. I don't necessarily mean sex, although it's not like I would turn that down at this point. What I really want, and need, is a reason to feel passionate about life again.
Last week my son and I were out having dinner. A song came on, and then I was taken away. I was taken to that dark and lonely place. When I was able to refocus I could see that my son recognized something in my face. I said sorry, and that I was having a Michael moment. He looked sad, and said "I know, I could tell." And I'm sorry to report that I'm sure I walk around most of my week with that same look.
Whose going to want to befriend me, or consider me for a date, with that look upon my face?
No big revelation here. Now grand ideas or plan. Just me, checking in about my current, and evolving, reality. I don't want to be stuck here. I don't want to be the sad guy forever. I want to know passion once again. I want to experience joy.
I'm going to keep at it. I hope you will too.