I'm feeling a bit worn down today. I've been trying hard the past few weeks to keep a new schedule and really buckle down on getting work done. Working for myself has been the hardest possible thing I could have added to my life these past few years since he died. It never seems to get any easier... unlike the grief, I don't know that it'll ever get easier.
It all began with a podcast I heard about having a morning routine a few weeks ago. Within two days of starting the morning routine, I got so much done and felt so genuinely productive. I thought I'd finally found a workflow that will work well for me. I began implementing it along with some other ways to be productive too. It's working, for sure. But my God, trying to change is taking so much out of me.
It is reminding me of the first year after Drew died. I was tired ALL the time. I wrote in a blog post back then that I felt like I was running on 60% of my energy because grief was taking up the other 40% constantly. Over time, that balance has changed... last year it was more like 80/20. This year, it is more like 90/10...
It feels good to have more of my energy to devote to things... but now I have more things in my life to devote that energy to also. It is less about grief and more about life. So I still feel spread thin sometimes. And I'm my toughest critic. I've really come so far... and I've survived so much. I need to remember to stop and give myself credit for that more often. To breathe more often.
Mike has been helping me so much. Holding me accountable to my schedule, trying to keep me on track, and also helping me brainstorm on business ideas. It's been so great to have a partner again, someone to really sit and talk through all this stuff with. In a very bittersweet way – he is even better at this than Drew was. I almost feel guilty to say, - while Drew was a better fit for who I was back then... Mike is a better fit for who I am now. A complicated thing.
I feel like the farther I get from the day Drew died, the harder it is to keep things in perspective. That is something that I actually miss from the first year... that crystal clear knowledge about what is important. That ability to not even worry about the small things anymore. The ability to be kind to myself. Slowly, over the past few years, all the small trivialities have come creeping back into my headspace. Annoying me. Stressing me out. Distracting me.
And sitting down to write this today, I realize that I have not been making choices to make myself feel proud and accomplished this year. Nor have I always been as kind to myself as I should in working through this difficult journey. Even though the grief is not all-encompassing... it is still there, and I am still on a very challenging journey. One that takes work, and discipline, but also kindness.
The year he died, I was committed to healing above all else. And I made that my priority. I let nothing get in my way. I'm hoping for the last half of this year I can practice more of this again. I have accepted his death, and that he comes with me into everything in my future. Now I am building that future. Even if I have to kick and scream against it sometimes – lord knows I did that a lot the first year. Even if I have to drag myself to my goals some days, or crawl there on my knees. Even if I make only one small step today and then grant myself permission to sit on the coach for the rest of it. It's going to take work, and dedication, and time, and self love. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do this, but do so lovingly. I can do this, and I'm gonna!
The year is only half over. I may not be starting where I wanted to be, but I'm still going to start. I'm going to finish out this last half and be able to look back and be amazed - at how much has happened in my healing, in my artwork, in building a career, in LIVING boldly and gently. And I am starting today.