First of all, I’m so damn glad the holidays are over that it almost makes me see stars swirling around my head, like in the cartoons I remember watching when I was a kid.
New Year’s doesn’t count as a holiday for me, not only because it’s been decades since I stayed up for the big countdown, not only because I don’t make New Year's resolutions, and not only because fuck it’s another year to count my beloved husband not here with me. Mostly it’s because, since his death, I count the anniversary of his death as my new year. That’s when my life incinerated around me and that’s when thoughts jam into my head and make me think okay, what next? what now? Not in a negative way but in a fuck my life is nothing like it was, nor am I, so what’s next? way. I approach that date thinking how can I further challenge my comfort zones because, really, why NOT challenge every comfort zone I ever thought about having?
Secondly, I found the ring I wanted for my widows ring.My original idea for a widows ring was quite a bit more elaborate, consisting of a band with the sound waves of Chuck’s last message to me engraved on the inside. But over the holidays I went to Jerome(Arizona), on a day trip with my kids and found a solid black band made of hematite stone, which is magnetic, and is supposed to be grounding (something I probably really need), and represents the root chakra, which is the base of all else in the body and where I really need to do some solid work. At some point I may find out if it’s strong enough to allow an engraving, and, if so, will have the sound waves engraved on the inside of the band. Meanwhile, the simplicity of it is a good reminder of Chuck, and a reminder, for me, to always keep it simple. Life is more manageable that way.
I also found this heart-shaped stone at the same shop. I don’t know what the stone is but the minute I saw it, I knew I wanted to have it close to me. Since Chuck’s death, when something speaks that clearly to me, I listen. So I purchased it. The color is so deep a purpley-blue as to appear black, and when I hold it up to the light, I can see sparkles of light which I view as stars. One of the very few times I envisioned Chuck after his death wasn’t in a dream but when I was relaxing through an acupuncture treatment; an image of me standing on a rock cliff appeared in my brain, with the night sky of the Universe all around me, and nothing but desert below me. And, in the flick of an eye, there was Chuck standing in front of me, holding his hand out to me. I took his hand and he put his arm around me and we danced off into that dark sky of the Universe, swirling amongst the stars. It was beautiful beyond words. This heart-shaped rock is that image made tangible.
Through the holidays, I joined in, I laughed, I cried, I ate, I did every damn thing and I did nothing and I was and I wasn’t and it was exhausting and I really am, as stated above, damn glad to be done with it. Does that make me a Scrooge? I don’t even care.
And what’s interesting to me is that when I set out to write this blog to and for all of you, I mostly meant to say that I had nothing to write and apologize for that. And this...what I wrote...just wrote itself.
Hats off to all of us for maintaining any level of sanity in this new, unasked for, crazy-making, exhausting, adventurous (in whatever way that speaks to you), world of widowhood.
Namaste and all that~