This confusing, weird, strange, life as a widow.
I've stored PinkMagic for a couple of months while I'm here in Arizona, while I take a break from the road to write my book and rest a bit. While I'm here, I'm staying with my son and his wife and family, which is wonderful and I know that they're happy to have me but...my mind....oh, my mind and where it goes as I figure this crap out.
For 24 years my life was my husband. I adored him, I was in love with him. Together he and I lit our world on fire and I felt fulfilled and useful and our life was one of adventure and excitement in so many ways. I loved being his wife. I felt sensual with him. There was a vibrancy and electricity as we moved and touched one another that energized me daily. It was physical, it was emotional, it was spiritual.
Who the fuck am I now? This image of myself that I see in the mirror lacks...everything that used to be and I don't/can't see what is there now. I feel genderless, honestly. My body was accustomed to his touch, his lovemaking, our bodies moving together in passion. I miss that dreadfully. My eyes oh my eyes where did the sparkle and flash go? All I can see in them now is dreadful sorrow and stillness and confusion. Such confusion. What is my role now? Where do I belong when home was a person and that person is dead? I don't say any of this in self-pity (and I feel I have to add that because sometimes it seems that people make that judgement). It's more about shock, I think.
I still keep my right hand empty when I walk. Old habit. Maybe I'll feel him take it in his again one day.
Sometimes I turn on the music Chuck and I would dance to, and put my right hand out, and my left as if resting on his shoulder, and I dance with him again. Ghost dancing I call it.
At night I reach out for him next to me. I hate the emptiness that I find.
When will I again feel like a woman? When will I figure any of this out? Will I ever feel passion of any kind again? Will a man ever kiss me again and, if that happens, will it kill me from wanting him to be Chuck?