I’m two people and I don’t know how to resolve that.
Or if it can be resolved.
Or if it will be resolved.
In some ways, this isn’t new to me. I’m a Gemini, after all. Twinsies.
Never has that been more apparent than since Chuck’s death. And I know I’m not alone in this feeling of separateness, this another person exists within the self that shows to the outside world.
It isn’t that I don’t want to resolve my grief. Or that I’m not open to another love in my life. It isn’t that I’m fearful of the future quite honestly I never even think of the future. It's simply that I'm disoriented by the puzzle of these two selves existing at one and the same time.
Two selves living this one life. Agony and whatever else I’m feeling at any particular moment. Love and grief hand in hand.
One of my selves is still in shock over how he died, how his illness played out, striving to grasp that he’s gone forever, that I am alone. That self pulses with agony at his gone-ness. Tears come easily. Each breath is painful. There is not one moment of the day, not one moment in my unconscious nights where he is not on my mind and I am not in grief because he isn’t next to me.
The other self is driving around the frickin’ country in a pink car, towing a trailer camping for god’s sake. Thinking what the hell are you doing while doing it and doing a kick-ass job of it. Tears come easily as the miles flow past. This self pushes boundaries and does everything she can to live large and make it all fucking count.
Both of these selves are, I suppose, connected by love and merged into one another by that love. Separate and yet the same person existing all at the same time. I don’t know how that makes any sense or if it does and, quite honestly, I’m mostly too tired to make an attempt to figure it out.
So I just let it all be whatever it is.