Stephanie Vendrell

In My Heart

When this posts I will be in England with my musician boyfriend. We didn’t go last year…it’s just so darned pricey, getting all the way over there from Hawaii. But his mom is sick. Cancer. So we are going. 


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Another Day

I have a lot going on these days. In the past year, things have speeded up for me. I am working on a new career, and further schooling to that end started this week, as the first course is ending. Working another job in the meantime. And looking at the inevitable change that will come when the house goes.


Amidst all of that are the quiet moments. Sitting on my lanai, doing all kinds of work on my iPad, suddenly it will come over me.


He’s not here.


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  • commented on Missing Pieces 2015-12-04 14:48:26 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on Holiday Spirits 2015-12-01 22:09:48 -0800
    You are lucky to have each other, to get what you are going through, both of you…I have yet to do any holiday decorating, and will not again this year…I share the same feeling that Mike is missing out and it makes me so sad. Doing something special to remember them both is wonderful. I am happy, too, for Shelby, to have a way to remember her mom’s holiday spirit and enjoy the season with you two.

  • commented on Thanksgiving Blues 2015-11-27 22:47:07 -0800
    I am glad you put up the tree…that is so frigging hard. We had one kind of like that too, a small fake tree…I still haven’t put it up since Mike died and will not again this year. The lonely moments are the hardest…and it’s a sucky time of year…hugs to you too Kelley. xoxo

  • commented on No Pie for Me, Thanks 2015-11-27 22:33:31 -0800
    Thanks for the hug, Kelley. Glad you had a nice day despite the moments…and Lisa, birthdays are hard too, I get you, and I am grateful for your commenting and support. It means so much.

  • commented on Birthday Wishes 2015-11-19 19:27:13 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on The Loneliness of Grief 2015-11-14 15:16:54 -0800
    It is astounding how many people do not get it, and how hurtful and insensitive some of their comments can be. I, too, turn to my widow sisters and a handful of other family and friends who get it…and, I am grateful for Widow’s Voice and my fellow writers. I know I am not alone and it makes a difference. Hugs to you, Rebecca.

  • commented on Stream of Life 2015-11-12 14:08:36 -0800
    Thank you Stephen…Mike would have agreed with you, love being the one true constant…

  • commented on One Powerful Word~ 2015-11-11 15:43:48 -0800
    I so get this, Alison. Nothing intimidates me anymore either. Nothing scares me anymore. Nothing is as big and scary as losing Mike. Nothing matters so much.

  • commented on Fearing Healing 2015-11-09 20:08:45 -0800
    This is beautiful Michele…burning our personal grief fuel describes how it feels, therein a hope for a future, albeit one we didn’t ask for.

  • commented on Not 51 2015-11-06 13:38:43 -0800
    Sigh. Mike’s birthday is this month too, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It’s such a hard day. I’m so sorry Kelley.

  • commented on Laden with Gold 2015-11-05 21:27:16 -0800
    Thank you for reading, and relating…

  • commented on Carrying the Sadness Forward 2015-10-31 14:52:42 -0700
    Mirrors my own experiences and thoughts, Rebecca. I am so glad you came to our beautiful state. It is said to be a place of intense spirit and healing. And of course, beauty. It will always remind me of Mike – he so loved it here. I often wonder if I will stay without him here now, but if I did leave I’d have to get over the thought that I would be leaving him too, in some way. Traveling without him – experiencing new things without him – is so hard. But I’m glad of every cent I spend on travel. Life is too darned short. We can’t take it with us. That is one thing I’ve learned so painfully. Hugs.

  • commented on Backward is Forward 2015-10-31 14:48:46 -0700
    I know this voice. It’s hard to hear sometimes but it is there. Thank you for sharing all of this Kelley. It is indeed moving to hear the pain, and see the shifts.

  • commented on Inspiration 2015-10-30 15:33:11 -0700
    Thank you Kelley. I guess we will always try. And Cathy, yes, we who have been there get it. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  • commented on The Things We Carry 2015-10-26 15:19:40 -0700
    Tricia, I, too, will miss you writing here…but I know you will be out there still, perhaps occasionally sharing on your own blog, but living your life; and I know what you will be carrying in your heart are many of the same items I carry in mine. I am grateful for this year of sharing and supporting with you. I remember the first day you wrote that horrible, tragic, heart wrenching story of your love and his death. I cried, and each week looked forward to your beautiful words which bore such pain but also brought a measure of solace to my own. A sisterhood of widowhood, as it were, such a treasured thing to have. Thank you, Tricia, for this treasured year with you.

  • commented on Grief Timeline 2015-10-25 17:10:52 -0700
    Thank you Michele. And I too have truly appreciated being part of this community because I have learned SO MUCH about the process of grief. That it is truly never-ending but always changing.

  • commented on Disappearing 2015-10-23 15:05:35 -0700
    Man I get this. I was in a panic for months after he died because I hadn’t written down the words of the song he wrote for me. I finally remembered some of it and wrote it down…but I am forever heartbroken that I didn’t record him singing it. I will regret that till the end of my days. And the animals: same thing. No recordings – we used to do the same thing, make up songs for them. Most of it – gone too. Mike was also just suddenly gone. It’s a horrible thing to live with Kelley. I’m so sorry.

  • commented on This Ringing 2015-10-23 13:46:10 -0700
    I have an iPod full of music I can’t listen to. I wonder if I ever will. It just elicits so many heartbreaking memories. Thank you Tricia. I will miss you here but look forward to keeping in touch. xoxo

  • commented on Just Be There 2015-10-08 21:26:57 -0700
    I am glad this post articulated feelings so many of us have…and sad that it is so in our world. On top of our grief, to have all this…hugs to everyone. At least we have each other.

  • commented on Searching for Stan 2015-10-05 14:54:15 -0700
    So beautiful Tricia, hauntingly and sadly beautiful…the longing never ceases and we never cease to look for them everywhere. Thank you for this.

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