Stephanie Vendrell

The Late Shift

I can’t sleep. I worked the late shift again, my usual schedule these days at the restaurant, so I’m not too surprised. Trying to sleep before one in the morning these days is difficult, when I don’t get home til half past 10 at the earliest. One does need to downshift for a bit after work, regardless of the hours. But this time it’s like something is calling to me. I can’t downshift, as I usually can. My beautiful magnesium powder is not working its usual magic tonight. So I give up, and get up.

 

I come out to my lanai, that place I will miss the most about this house, that place Mike loved most too, and notice how bright the light is. Geez what is that, I wonder in my daze? It’s the moon, I realize, so full and luminous it lights up the sky and the ocean beneath, like a surrogate sun. Literally glaring at me, daring me to be awake and gazing upon it. I go back inside to get my distance glasses from my purse so I can really see it.

 

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  • commented on Setting my Goal for 2016 2016-01-02 12:13:54 -0800
    That was very inspiring. Knowing where you’ve come from in your grief, setting such positive goals – and actually going after them – is such a strong and important thing. Thank you for inspiring us all Rebecca. And here’s to growth – and happiness too – in 2016.

  • commented on Sadness and Sugarplums 2015-12-31 00:26:11 -0800
    Cathy…be here now. Always a good one to think about, thank you. Lisa, hope you have some peace too.

  • commented on Far From Ideal 2015-12-17 14:47:29 -0800
    Cathy…I hear you. I had thought I would have so many more years with Mike. I just sucks. And Lisa…we do change, don’t we, it’s just part of it. I’m glad for the community too. Thank you both for commenting.

  • commented on Nobody Else Can Die 2015-12-04 17:41:04 -0800
    I’m with you. No one else can die. I have no stomach for it either. Hugs.

  • commented on Missing Pieces 2015-12-04 14:48:26 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on Holiday Spirits 2015-12-01 22:09:48 -0800
    You are lucky to have each other, to get what you are going through, both of you…I have yet to do any holiday decorating, and will not again this year…I share the same feeling that Mike is missing out and it makes me so sad. Doing something special to remember them both is wonderful. I am happy, too, for Shelby, to have a way to remember her mom’s holiday spirit and enjoy the season with you two.

  • commented on Thanksgiving Blues 2015-11-27 22:47:07 -0800
    I am glad you put up the tree…that is so frigging hard. We had one kind of like that too, a small fake tree…I still haven’t put it up since Mike died and will not again this year. The lonely moments are the hardest…and it’s a sucky time of year…hugs to you too Kelley. xoxo

  • commented on No Pie for Me, Thanks 2015-11-27 22:33:31 -0800
    Thanks for the hug, Kelley. Glad you had a nice day despite the moments…and Lisa, birthdays are hard too, I get you, and I am grateful for your commenting and support. It means so much.

  • commented on Birthday Wishes 2015-11-19 19:27:13 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on The Loneliness of Grief 2015-11-14 15:16:54 -0800
    It is astounding how many people do not get it, and how hurtful and insensitive some of their comments can be. I, too, turn to my widow sisters and a handful of other family and friends who get it…and, I am grateful for Widow’s Voice and my fellow writers. I know I am not alone and it makes a difference. Hugs to you, Rebecca.

  • commented on Stream of Life 2015-11-12 14:08:36 -0800
    Thank you Stephen…Mike would have agreed with you, love being the one true constant…

  • commented on One Powerful Word~ 2015-11-11 15:43:48 -0800
    I so get this, Alison. Nothing intimidates me anymore either. Nothing scares me anymore. Nothing is as big and scary as losing Mike. Nothing matters so much.

  • commented on Fearing Healing 2015-11-09 20:08:45 -0800
    This is beautiful Michele…burning our personal grief fuel describes how it feels, therein a hope for a future, albeit one we didn’t ask for.

  • commented on Not 51 2015-11-06 13:38:43 -0800
    Sigh. Mike’s birthday is this month too, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It’s such a hard day. I’m so sorry Kelley.

  • commented on Laden with Gold 2015-11-05 21:27:16 -0800
    Thank you for reading, and relating…

  • commented on Carrying the Sadness Forward 2015-10-31 14:52:42 -0700
    Mirrors my own experiences and thoughts, Rebecca. I am so glad you came to our beautiful state. It is said to be a place of intense spirit and healing. And of course, beauty. It will always remind me of Mike – he so loved it here. I often wonder if I will stay without him here now, but if I did leave I’d have to get over the thought that I would be leaving him too, in some way. Traveling without him – experiencing new things without him – is so hard. But I’m glad of every cent I spend on travel. Life is too darned short. We can’t take it with us. That is one thing I’ve learned so painfully. Hugs.

  • commented on Backward is Forward 2015-10-31 14:48:46 -0700
    I know this voice. It’s hard to hear sometimes but it is there. Thank you for sharing all of this Kelley. It is indeed moving to hear the pain, and see the shifts.

  • commented on Inspiration 2015-10-30 15:33:11 -0700
    Thank you Kelley. I guess we will always try. And Cathy, yes, we who have been there get it. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  • commented on The Things We Carry 2015-10-26 15:19:40 -0700
    Tricia, I, too, will miss you writing here…but I know you will be out there still, perhaps occasionally sharing on your own blog, but living your life; and I know what you will be carrying in your heart are many of the same items I carry in mine. I am grateful for this year of sharing and supporting with you. I remember the first day you wrote that horrible, tragic, heart wrenching story of your love and his death. I cried, and each week looked forward to your beautiful words which bore such pain but also brought a measure of solace to my own. A sisterhood of widowhood, as it were, such a treasured thing to have. Thank you, Tricia, for this treasured year with you.

  • commented on Grief Timeline 2015-10-25 17:10:52 -0700
    Thank you Michele. And I too have truly appreciated being part of this community because I have learned SO MUCH about the process of grief. That it is truly never-ending but always changing.

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