Stephanie Vendrell

Itching and Aching

It’s official. We signed the lease this week, my boyfriend and I, for the house we will occupy for the next year. I’ve decided to only think that far ahead, and it’s made it a little easier. Because it’s a huge transition, moving from the house I shared with my late husband for so many years.


It’s also not a huge transition. I’m only moving, literally, up the block. And we have plenty of time to make the move, since my current house will be available for a couple more months. I’m going to move a few things at a time and do the big move after I’m back in Kona from my visit back east with family for Christmas.


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Going With It

The big news is, we found a place to rent here in Kona that has agreed to the dogs. It’s only up the block, so moving should be relatively easy. It’s expensive…but thankfully my boyfriend is with us for all the support both emotional and financial that it will entail. 


It has not come easy. It took weeks for the owner to come around to us (apparently, two dogs are better than a group of young single people or a family of 10). We had to endure a long, detailed financial application and background check. And the hardest, for me, has been the emotion of it all.


My stay at the house my beautiful late husband and I shared is coming to an end.


I will leave part of me behind here. My heart, or most of it, it feels like. 


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  • commented on What does a Widow Look Like? 2016-02-20 03:47:30 -0800
    OMG I love this. It’s my experience as well. Thank you for such an enlightened look.

  • commented on Death Day 2016-02-19 12:38:02 -0800
    Thank you Cathy and Lisa. Yes, changes and challenges…changes are challenges and challenges always bring changes…thank you for the congrats it’s a very bittersweet time.

  • commented on Valentine's for all Kinds 2016-02-14 15:05:21 -0800
    This made me smile. Hugs to you all.

  • commented on Monkeying Around 2016-02-11 12:49:41 -0800
    Oh Penny, that just means the world. Thank you so much. Hugs to you.

  • commented on The Never-Ending Dance~ 2016-02-03 02:43:37 -0800
    Adrift in the Universe…powerful imagery Alison. It resonates with me. Sending you love through your difficult therapy. This all just sucks so much.

  • commented on Good Widowing 2016-01-31 14:22:07 -0800
    Giving yourself permission to rest, and recognize the signs and take action is indeed a powerful learning curve. I wasn’t like that either before Mike died but do find many of my daily decisions are a reaction to the ever present grief (and good counseling as well). Thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on Jumble 2016-01-29 15:01:13 -0800
    Reading this I felt myself smile a grim, knowing smile…thank you for putting this into words. I know the point of the post is to do just that, for those of us having felt just that very thing.

  • commented on One More Phone Call 2016-01-25 16:31:20 -0800
    Thank you for this. I was standing outside last night talking to Mike, shouting at the moon he loved so much, crying that I missed him and can’t believe he’s not here to talk to anymore, to answer back, tell me he loves me and share in any news or thoughts of the day…it never ends.

  • commented on ... And Still 2016-01-22 15:06:27 -0800
    Yes. Beautiful. Thank you.

  • commented on Death blows 2016-01-22 15:05:34 -0800
    Yes Lisa – definitely more impact now than before. We will always think of the wives and families. Thank you for commenting.

  • commented on Changing of the Colors 2016-01-19 14:41:42 -0800
    I am happy to read about your making the house more your home. And I get it’s a hard thing to do…I often look around at my house imagining how it used to look when Mike was alive, and how slowly over the almost three years how much has been changed…his room is now the guest room, and while I haven’t painted it and a few things of his remain it is mostly unrecognizable from the way it stood when he was the occupant. Sometimes me and the dogs go in there and sniff around, I think trying to find some remnant of him…but like you I could not just mothball things and at the end of the day it is a symbol of my work to continue on with the life I have. Mike would have approved I know.

  • commented on Myrtle 2016-01-16 23:48:37 -0800
    And thank you, Cathy, for coming here and commenting. I will think of you all now too when I sit there and meditate with Myrtle.

  • commented on Death and Life 2016-01-16 23:47:07 -0800
    What a difficult thing to go through with your Mom. I am happy her prognosis is good…and yes eventually we will all experience the death. Trying to find a peace with it is so hard. Sending love and well wishes to you and your family.

  • commented on Witnessing New Life 2016-01-16 23:45:17 -0800
    Rebecca, I am glad you got to share such a precious moment. I think often of the lives being born, and how they will influence the world in ways we don’t know yet…this against the pain of the lives we have lost, whose influence we know all too well. Life is a strange thing. Hugs.

  • commented on Ahhh...Life.... 2016-01-13 02:32:40 -0800
    I totally get the idea that I have to get to know the person who has survived this loss. I am a new woman, sad, lonely, heartbroken…but also finding my strength I didn’t know I had. I appreciate your posts Alison, because they make me feel your loss and also your own strength. We are a community, we widowed people. I am grateful for you, and all of us.

  • commented on Not Alone and Lonely 2016-01-07 14:53:21 -0800
    I think it is, Lisa. I wish you all the best in your career endeavors – and in all that life has to offer, bittersweet as it is. It takes so much effort, but paying attention to the possibilities may give answers and a future and, as you said, growth, we might not have imagined otherwise. Peace to you.

  • commented on Happy New Year 2016-01-04 22:24:17 -0800
    I am so happy to hear about your time together this year, Mike. It just means so much. Permission to have fun together is such a gift. I get it. Love and aloha to you all. (and I have no doubt that Internet or not, Drew and Megan are dancing a happy dance for you on the other side, as I know my Mike is too.)

  • commented on New - A Year in Review 2016-01-03 13:00:07 -0800
    Happy New Year Mike. I am so glad you took that trip.

  • commented on The Last Straggler 2016-01-03 12:55:53 -0800
    Thank you Rebecca.

  • commented on Home, Heart and Facing Fears 2016-01-03 12:55:18 -0800
    These shifts are important and monumental, and become clearer upon looking back a little, I find…I feel happy for you Sarah – I remember well your post from a year ago and seeing where you are now warms my heart. Wishing you love and beauty in 2016.

Writer, widow, lover of life. Join me on my journey of personal transformation. Blogger for hire. #RodanAndFields consultant - clinical anti-aging skin care.
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