Stephanie Vendrell

Inward and Outward

Mike is everywhere, and nowhere. I feel him in my bones, like a part of my own body. He haunts my every waking hour. I never forget. It never slips my mind that my husband is dead. I can’t stop the memories that flood in. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. Shopping, celebrating a holiday, watching his birthday come and go, sorting through his old things, touching a spoon he used, looking out over the same view he loved.

 

He’s always there.

 

And yet he is not here. I can’t hear his voice reply to me. He can’t reach out and touch me. I can’t ride passenger in his truck. I can’t make plans with him, cook with him, or call for him on the phone. I can’t sit next to him on the couch. I can’t touch his lips.

 

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7 reactions Share

  • commented on Frozen In Place 2016-05-27 00:15:48 -0700
    Hi Lisa, thank you, the frozen thing is something I’ve been experiencing so that’s good to hear. I always wonder if what I am going through will resonate. I’m so glad we have this avenue to share.

  • commented on Everything's The Same 2016-05-20 17:42:31 -0700
    Nail on the head yet again, Kelley. I often wonder if Mike would recognize me with everything that’s happened since he died…but of course he would. We would, as you said, slip our hands together, look into each other’s eyes, and it would be like he never left. xoxo

  • commented on I'm Just Here 2016-05-25 15:52:31 -0700
    Lisa…yes. We know now. A terrible thing but to others the relief not to have to explain. Diane…I’m deeply sorry to hear of these troubles. It’s a terrible tragedy when money issues cause more pain. I hope it can be resolved soon. A terrible place to be. Sending hugs xoxo

  • commented on Taking Another Step Forward 2016-05-14 19:02:14 -0700
    Your experience is very supportive to what I’m going through with my house foreclosure…and the big decisions I feel are ahead for myself. It’s bittersweet. Can’t wait to hear about the new place and have a great month with all else going on. xoxo

  • commented on Mother's Day Thoughts 2016-05-13 17:51:10 -0700
    I hear you. I had a dream last night where I was sobbing into my stepdaughter’s arms how much I missed Mike and when I woke up I had tears on my face. Making new memories is SO hard. Thank you so much for being there Cathy.

  • commented on Gratitude and Perspective 2016-05-10 15:23:26 -0700
    Thank you Cathy. Sometimes I’m not sure if my weekly thoughts resonate in our community…but I just write about where I am. So I really appreciate your support. xoxo

  • commented on A Letter from Before, and Beyond 2016-05-02 23:09:22 -0700
    Oh man. I’ve found notes and poems from Mike he never showed me, after he died; but finding a letter to your child like that…super powerful. From what I can tell I don’t think Shelby will ever NEED to read it, because she has such strength and support all around here…from Megan too, just like she promised. But it’s all a treasured gift.

  • commented on One Risk at a Time 2016-05-01 16:56:45 -0700
    Indeed we definitely can’t be skydivers every day. Seriously good way to think about it. It’s all so challenging, all the bits that we find along the way into this strange new world. You are doing amazing work. One of the hardest things is to make those decisions, to know what’s best for us, what we really want.

  • commented on No Magic Answers 2016-04-28 22:52:06 -0700
    Wow Penny I’m glad there was some bit that spoke to you here…boy going through the stuff is such a huge and difficult thing to do. I’m glad you will get a little help. Sharon, you totally nailed it about “bad” decisions not necessarily being absolute…thanks for the reminder. Your confidence is appreciated…and your support, it means everything.

  • commented on Getting Old Sucks... 2016-04-21 19:21:42 -0700
    Boy you said it, Cathy. I definitely feel older than I am since Mike died. Grief really takes its toll in so many ways. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing. So deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how horrifying it was for you with the misdiagnosis.

  • commented on Swimming with Sharks 2016-04-16 17:10:04 -0700
    Right…life definitely seems to have its own plans for us. And I am also grateful for our village :) Thank you Lisa.

  • commented on The Remnants of a Life 2016-04-09 14:34:14 -0700
    This resonates since I am starting negotiations to keep my house…or soon, I will be doing this too. 14 years of stuff…and all the memories, those we shared here, and those he missed…congratulations on the big decision to move, but it is not easy. Not easy at all.

  • commented on Back to Start 2016-04-09 14:31:34 -0700
    Another widowed friend of mine here in Kona asked me last night if I’d read your post this week; I said yes, and we shared a quiet moment of understanding. She’s not really an internet person and doesn’t comment, but she reads all of us here at Widow’s Voice faithfully every morning, even after her 12 years into it…and she has been through several hurtful mis-starts with dating and it’s so painful. Let’s face it: it takes an awful lot to put ourselves out there and it hurts on so many levels when it doesn’t work. We are so fragile. Like I wrote recently, a new relationship can never replace our loves and doesn’t fix that hole in our hearts…but it’s pretty damn nice to have someone to talk to and do things with. So Kelley, this whole thing just sucks, and you are most definitely in our thoughts. Our hearts are hurting with you.

  • commented on The Lows 2016-04-09 14:36:27 -0700
    Hi Sharon; thank you for your thoughts and support. The community is so important and your comment is appreciated!

  • commented on My Life With Grief 2016-03-31 19:01:29 -0700
    Thank you Carla and Sharon…terrible things to have in common but I am glad it resonated. We are all here together the support is so important.

  • commented on Trying to Treasure 2016-03-18 01:11:42 -0700
    And thank you Lisa for reading, and commenting, and for sharing. It means everything.

  • commented on A story story 2016-03-13 12:26:58 -0700
    Thank you Cathy! I do miss sharing it all with him so much…

  • commented on A Wandering Widow 2016-03-04 21:44:04 -0800
    Lisa what a beautiful way to put it…we are patchwork quilts aren’t we? Thank you…It’s well worn but it is MY quilt and I wouln’t trade having lived it either. Blessings.

  • commented on Hovering in Limbo 2016-02-26 14:13:41 -0800
    You are so right – no Wikipedia page like this exists. We all struggle to put it all into words…thank you for commenting, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • commented on Familiar Roads 2016-02-26 00:08:31 -0800
    Yeah it’s goddamn hard. Having a friend is ok I think… No pressure, right?…hopefully, yet easier said than done…my musician came upon me so unexpectedly, and even not knowing what will happen, his companionship has mattered…maybe, that’s all it is…and that’s ok…but missing them, amidst it all whatever and whoever…always will be, the sucky part and I can’t stop it…xoxo

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