Stephanie Vendrell

My Bubble

I’m back in Kona after a whirlwind trip across two very large ponds. Being that it is 11 hours time difference between Hawaii and the UK, I am still suffering the lag, but it’s getting better. It was well worth it, both for time with my boyfriend’s family, and refreshing the spirit during a time of looming change in my reality. So now back to the grind.


And back to a cold, hard reality as well. Hearing about the shooting in Las Vegas chilled me to the bone. In years past, when Mike was alive, we used to come together during moments like that, during the other horror shows we as humans have lived through during the years of our marriage, from 9/11 to Sandy Hook. We would talk about what we really thought happened…we would try and translate the news into some language we could comprehend. Really for me, having his wisdom, his soothing presence, his protection perhaps, made me so much less fearful, both for myself, and the world.


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Junk Mail - Repost

While I am away I am reposting a blog from 2014. This still happens too.

Today I grabbed the mail from the mailbox, saw it was mostly junk, and tossed it on the floor of my car as I sped off downtown for a few errands. Stopped at a stoplight I looked down and noticed a flyer from our local vision center which said brightly, we miss seeing you! Specials now…etc, etc.

I thought for a moment…huh. They miss me? I just got new glasses a couple of months ago. Then with a pang I realized they meant Mike. I reached down to pick it up, my suspicions confirmed. Another piece of mail for him. Another business still unaware. Yeah. I miss seeing him too.

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  • commented on Mother's Day Thoughts 2016-05-13 17:51:10 -0700
    I hear you. I had a dream last night where I was sobbing into my stepdaughter’s arms how much I missed Mike and when I woke up I had tears on my face. Making new memories is SO hard. Thank you so much for being there Cathy.

  • commented on Gratitude and Perspective 2016-05-10 15:23:26 -0700
    Thank you Cathy. Sometimes I’m not sure if my weekly thoughts resonate in our community…but I just write about where I am. So I really appreciate your support. xoxo

  • commented on A Letter from Before, and Beyond 2016-05-02 23:09:22 -0700
    Oh man. I’ve found notes and poems from Mike he never showed me, after he died; but finding a letter to your child like that…super powerful. From what I can tell I don’t think Shelby will ever NEED to read it, because she has such strength and support all around here…from Megan too, just like she promised. But it’s all a treasured gift.

  • commented on One Risk at a Time 2016-05-01 16:56:45 -0700
    Indeed we definitely can’t be skydivers every day. Seriously good way to think about it. It’s all so challenging, all the bits that we find along the way into this strange new world. You are doing amazing work. One of the hardest things is to make those decisions, to know what’s best for us, what we really want.

  • commented on No Magic Answers 2016-04-28 22:52:06 -0700
    Wow Penny I’m glad there was some bit that spoke to you here…boy going through the stuff is such a huge and difficult thing to do. I’m glad you will get a little help. Sharon, you totally nailed it about “bad” decisions not necessarily being absolute…thanks for the reminder. Your confidence is appreciated…and your support, it means everything.

  • commented on Getting Old Sucks... 2016-04-21 19:21:42 -0700
    Boy you said it, Cathy. I definitely feel older than I am since Mike died. Grief really takes its toll in so many ways. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing. So deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how horrifying it was for you with the misdiagnosis.

  • commented on Swimming with Sharks 2016-04-16 17:10:04 -0700
    Right…life definitely seems to have its own plans for us. And I am also grateful for our village :) Thank you Lisa.

  • commented on The Remnants of a Life 2016-04-09 14:34:14 -0700
    This resonates since I am starting negotiations to keep my house…or soon, I will be doing this too. 14 years of stuff…and all the memories, those we shared here, and those he missed…congratulations on the big decision to move, but it is not easy. Not easy at all.

  • commented on Back to Start 2016-04-09 14:31:34 -0700
    Another widowed friend of mine here in Kona asked me last night if I’d read your post this week; I said yes, and we shared a quiet moment of understanding. She’s not really an internet person and doesn’t comment, but she reads all of us here at Widow’s Voice faithfully every morning, even after her 12 years into it…and she has been through several hurtful mis-starts with dating and it’s so painful. Let’s face it: it takes an awful lot to put ourselves out there and it hurts on so many levels when it doesn’t work. We are so fragile. Like I wrote recently, a new relationship can never replace our loves and doesn’t fix that hole in our hearts…but it’s pretty damn nice to have someone to talk to and do things with. So Kelley, this whole thing just sucks, and you are most definitely in our thoughts. Our hearts are hurting with you.

  • commented on The Lows 2016-04-09 14:36:27 -0700
    Hi Sharon; thank you for your thoughts and support. The community is so important and your comment is appreciated!

  • commented on My Life With Grief 2016-03-31 19:01:29 -0700
    Thank you Carla and Sharon…terrible things to have in common but I am glad it resonated. We are all here together the support is so important.

  • commented on Trying to Treasure 2016-03-18 01:11:42 -0700
    And thank you Lisa for reading, and commenting, and for sharing. It means everything.

  • commented on A story story 2016-03-13 12:26:58 -0700
    Thank you Cathy! I do miss sharing it all with him so much…

  • commented on A Wandering Widow 2016-03-04 21:44:04 -0800
    Lisa what a beautiful way to put it…we are patchwork quilts aren’t we? Thank you…It’s well worn but it is MY quilt and I wouln’t trade having lived it either. Blessings.

  • commented on Hovering in Limbo 2016-02-26 14:13:41 -0800
    You are so right – no Wikipedia page like this exists. We all struggle to put it all into words…thank you for commenting, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • commented on Familiar Roads 2016-02-26 00:08:31 -0800
    Yeah it’s goddamn hard. Having a friend is ok I think… No pressure, right?…hopefully, yet easier said than done…my musician came upon me so unexpectedly, and even not knowing what will happen, his companionship has mattered…maybe, that’s all it is…and that’s ok…but missing them, amidst it all whatever and whoever…always will be, the sucky part and I can’t stop it…xoxo

  • commented on What does a Widow Look Like? 2016-02-20 03:47:30 -0800
    OMG I love this. It’s my experience as well. Thank you for such an enlightened look.

  • commented on Death Day 2016-02-19 12:38:02 -0800
    Thank you Cathy and Lisa. Yes, changes and challenges…changes are challenges and challenges always bring changes…thank you for the congrats it’s a very bittersweet time.

  • commented on Valentine's for all Kinds 2016-02-14 15:05:21 -0800
    This made me smile. Hugs to you all.

  • commented on Monkeying Around 2016-02-11 12:49:41 -0800
    Oh Penny, that just means the world. Thank you so much. Hugs to you.

Writer, widow, lover of life. Join me on my journey of personal transformation. Blogger for hire. #RodanAndFields consultant - clinical anti-aging skin care.
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