Stephanie Vendrell

Tiresome Grief

I’m just so tired.

 

Sitting here with all this week’s feelings, thoughts and words ping-ponging around my brain, that one just keeps rising to the top.

 

Grief is a heavy, heavy stone to drag around, and I’m tired. That sinister companion has changed so much, not just in my daily life but how I think about life altogether. 

 

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Breaking Home

If you’ve been following the slow-motion event that is the foreclosure on my home here in Hawaii, there is an update. The commissioner who was appointed to handle the auction did a site inspection today. I am waiting to hear the dates for the two open houses she is required to hold, probably in November. Soon after that, auction will be scheduled and held. After it is confirmed that it was sold by the court…that’s it. We vacate.

 

Even though I knew it was coming, I still collapsed in tears today. This has been my home for 16 years…12 of them happy years with my husband. And I am grateful I’ve had nearly five more, and much of that time has been shared with my boyfriend…who is being extremely gracious, generous and supportive, by the way.

 

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  • commented on Here's to Grief 2016-08-28 12:56:40 -0700
    Although I would not wish it on anyone, I too have experienced this common thread of grief resulting in new friendships. And I am so deeply glad for it, because these are the people that get it. They are the ones I can talk to about it all, and without them I would be swimming in very deep water indeed. Thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on Happiness List 2016-08-27 13:17:32 -0700
    I so love this, Kaiti. I’m in the throes of trying to grow stronger…it’s so hard with the grief tagging alone. But I so agree with this list, thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on Stepping Stones 2016-08-26 15:00:40 -0700
    Hi Marybeth, change is so hard, isn’t it. I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for your comment. Our mutual support is so crucial. Hugs.

  • commented on That Door 2016-08-21 20:45:48 -0700
    Thank you…thank you thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. I never cease to be amazed and comforted by the parallels and knowing you all are out there, surviving in your own ways.

  • commented on Survival Preparedness 2016-08-21 20:43:04 -0700
    Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your support, ladies. It feels huge, what I’m doing now, and coming back and seeing your comments just made my day. It means a lot to know none of us are alone in this.

  • commented on Thanks Death, Now I Have To... 2016-08-21 11:53:33 -0700
    Oh man I SO GET THIS Sarah. I feel forced into this Plan B I didn’t want life, with all these horrible life changing decisions ahead of me…but tons of guilt because some of them I’m looking forward to…and lots of tears as I pack away my life with Mike. This is a huge change for you – but that feeling of “right” in your gut is the bottom line…I’m learning to follow that myself. It doesn’t make it easy, but at least it’s a guide. Blessings and hugs.

  • commented on Home Without Him 2016-08-20 11:43:19 -0700
    Kaiti, what a hard thing to do…I am looking towards the reality of moving and being somewhere new where he never was hurts so much. But it sounds like a good move for you, despite the heartache. Sending hugs.

  • commented on Leaving Stuff Behind 2016-07-29 11:53:33 -0700
    Wow everyone, thank you for the support and relatable experiences…it means a lot to know we have many of the same issues and feelings, hard as they all are. Quick note to let people know the hearing went fine, it was pretty basic, do you want to keep your house, yes, ok here is the mediation schedule be sure to file all paperwork by the deadlines. It will all be done by the end of September, one way or another. Thank you so deeply for all the supportive thoughts and wishes.

  • commented on The Agony of Defeat 2016-07-25 11:20:21 -0700
    Kelley you’ve described so many of my own thoughts so well here. Daunting, to have to make these decisions and possible life changes alone. Feeling defeated because we’re not “making it” the way we thought we could, or would, if our husbands were still here to support and encourage. To know the grief thing is permanent. And how to move forward with all of it. Sending hugs. Wish we were not in this slog.

  • commented on Plan B 2016-07-25 11:15:48 -0700
    Patricia – yes Plan B involves a ton of groping in the dark that is for sure. And I totally agree the scary part is being somewhere where you don’t know people yet. I have been thinking that a lot. I hope you can find a place…I hope we all find a place. Karin – wow great you are on here now! I know you read all the writers here and the mutual support is so important…well I’m not going anywhere yet we will have plenty of fun evenings ahead of us I hope…meanwhile so happy to have you in my life as we both search for the independent people we once were. Dori – thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Yes, rootless is a good word for this. So much changes when we don’t have our husbands as partner and person to share life. I hope you find a place too. Lisa – yes it feels scary instead of exciting right? which sucks. Is this just how it’s going to be forever now? I have yet to move so it’s good to hear about people who have, even if the feeling of being settled again still seems distant. Thank you for sharing. And Sharon – glad this resonated…and so glad we have each other to share these feelings. Yes one step at a time. Hugs.

  • commented on A Dance In The Dark 2016-07-25 11:05:54 -0700
    Sharon, thank you, the paths ahead of us can be hard to see and hard to travel, that’s for sure. And Lisa indeed it is all so very strange and not what I feel like I signed up for. But like you said, our loves will be traveling with us in our hearts…as terrible as that is as a second best kind of thing, it is just what we have for now.

  • commented on Sharing With Myself 2016-07-01 14:48:37 -0700
    Thank you Don…Teresa I will when it is completed, it’s very special…

  • commented on Terrawimba 2016-06-25 15:47:47 -0700
    Thank you Lisa…so many of us widowed folk I see feeling in limbo. Like you I’m trying not to go blindly…and trying to see my path. It’s SO not easy. I wish you peace and joy as well.

  • commented on Never Far 2016-06-11 14:53:05 -0700
    Hi Sharon…sad but true, I guess this will always be part of us now…

  • commented on Welcome Our New Writer Michelle Midgett 2016-06-06 14:52:20 -0700
    Aloha Michelle, thank you deeply for sharing your story, and my sincere sympathy at your terrible loss. You’ve been through just so much. I am glad you will be part of our support here at Soaring Spirits, though devastated to learn of another member of our terrible club. My heart and blessings to you.

  • commented on A Light In the Dark - My Tribute to Soaring Spirits International 2016-06-01 23:43:53 -0700
    So perfectly written, and powerfully stated. I relate to this so deeply. Thank you, Kelley.

  • commented on Frozen In Place 2016-05-27 00:15:48 -0700
    Hi Lisa, thank you, the frozen thing is something I’ve been experiencing so that’s good to hear. I always wonder if what I am going through will resonate. I’m so glad we have this avenue to share.

  • commented on Everything's The Same 2016-05-20 17:42:31 -0700
    Nail on the head yet again, Kelley. I often wonder if Mike would recognize me with everything that’s happened since he died…but of course he would. We would, as you said, slip our hands together, look into each other’s eyes, and it would be like he never left. xoxo

  • commented on I'm Just Here 2016-05-25 15:52:31 -0700
    Lisa…yes. We know now. A terrible thing but to others the relief not to have to explain. Diane…I’m deeply sorry to hear of these troubles. It’s a terrible tragedy when money issues cause more pain. I hope it can be resolved soon. A terrible place to be. Sending hugs xoxo

  • commented on Taking Another Step Forward 2016-05-14 19:02:14 -0700
    Your experience is very supportive to what I’m going through with my house foreclosure…and the big decisions I feel are ahead for myself. It’s bittersweet. Can’t wait to hear about the new place and have a great month with all else going on. xoxo

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