Stephanie Vendrell

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes, you don’t make decisions. Sometimes, decisions are just made for you. Like that time my husband died. I definitely didn’t decide that. And as a result, a cascade of other decisions I didn’t make happened.

 

I just had no choice in the matter. All the things you do in life, day-to-day or long term, doing any of those things without the person you expected to be there is not a choice. And on top of that, I had to decide things I didn’t want to decide because he wasn’t here to shoulder the burden, chime in, or provide alternatives.

 

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Tiresome Grief

I’m just so tired.

 

Sitting here with all this week’s feelings, thoughts and words ping-ponging around my brain, that one just keeps rising to the top.

 

Grief is a heavy, heavy stone to drag around, and I’m tired. That sinister companion has changed so much, not just in my daily life but how I think about life altogether. 

 

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  • commented on The People Who Stay 2016-12-24 07:58:34 -0800
    Barbara, indeed they do, thank you and best to you.
    Cathy, I know, right? Like people don’t think sometimes. Sigh. Hugs for 2017.
    Kelly, Oh my dear I am so sorry for your loss. The initial shock and grief is the hardest, I will be holding you close to my heart. Glad you found us here.
    Sharon, glad you can be with mom this holiday, as I am, even with so little to celebrate. Sending love to you both too.

  • commented on Leaving 2016-12-17 19:52:22 -0800
    You are indeed blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family. It means everything in these difficult times. I wish you safe journey. It seems widowhood brings many of us to this point of moving change. Bittersweet, yes.

  • commented on A Few Steps 2016-12-17 18:49:10 -0800
    Thanks Cathy. I appreciate the warm thoughts very much.

  • commented on Home Is Not a House 2016-12-09 01:47:30 -0800
    Lisa, thank you for sharing, it helps so much to know I am not alone in this ongoing process of finding peace in a sea of change. Hugs.

  • commented on I have to go home 2016-11-25 14:58:42 -0800
    Thank you everyone. I receive all the hugs and support. xoxo

  • commented on A Slice of Hope 2016-11-12 19:28:50 -0800
    Love this. Thank you for sharing.

  • commented on A Quiet Moment 2016-11-11 16:29:09 -0800
    Lisa, thank you for your advice and support, from the bottom of my heart.
    Patricia, you are right…our medical system has a lot of changes to make, I hope, in the future, to evolve towards what we as humans really need and deserve. It’s certainly not this for-profit dismissive system the way it is now. Thank you for your thoughts and support.
    Cathy, yes, I am so glad I can be here now. I think often how, if I could still have it that way, I would be with Mike, helping him, but, he is not here, and so, I can be here. Weird how things work out. I hope you’re right, that we will find the best answer. But it is hard digging. Aloha to you all.

  • commented on D-Day 2016-11-06 03:43:39 -0800
    Oh Sharon, thank you so, so so much. I read, consider and feel every comment, every commonality, ever sentiment and it all matters. I’m going to try and stay as long as feels right, and then, yes, it’s a date, though I imagine it will probably be wine…or martinis lol…

  • commented on What Matters In The End 2016-11-01 06:50:51 -0700
    Hi Lisa, one of the best, and worst things of sharing here is realizing so many of us have suffered many of the same difficulties this life can bring. Thanks for being here.
    Janice, a private duty case manager sounds like a great idea. Thank you. We have a lot of calls to make for sure.
    Shelley, thank you for the vets suggestion…unfortunately he did not serve during a time of war. I have sure been learning a lot about all the systems out there, and I will keep treading water, thank you and hugs.
    Judy, thank you, as I told Shelley he is not eligible for vet support, but we have been making all kinds of calls and learning a lot so fingers crossed we will find some answers.
    To everyone who reads and supports my heart goes out to you all and am deeply grateful for all the support and prayers.

  • commented on Transition 2016-10-22 14:32:04 -0700
    Hi Cathy…yes certainly a lot on my plate right now. One day at a time. I’m going to try to continue here as long as I can. Thank you so much.

  • commented on Rapid Fire 2016-10-14 11:43:47 -0700
    Lisa, yes, trying to breathe and enjoy the small, good moments and prepare myself for what’s ahead as well…and Cathy, going with the flow, whatever it is, seems like a lesson hard learned but well fought for. Thank you ladies.

  • commented on All Is Not Lost 2016-10-08 14:20:27 -0700
    Oh Ladies, thank you so much for your beautiful support and comments. It’s such a stressful time right now, and knowing you are all out there makes a huge difference. And please know…I am here holding space for you all too. We are all just walking through the fires.

  • commented on Walking Collages 2016-10-03 13:16:44 -0700
    Oh Jennifer, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I was also 44 when my husband died, just before my 45th birthday, and he was also 59. We had just short of 14 years together. He had two daughters, not twins, but they are my dear lifelines and treasure them very much. We’ve all had a very hard time. The first few months are like walking through a dark abyss. Over three and a half years later all I can say is, it’s taken this long, and maybe it will be an ongoing process, to learn to live with the grief. My life has taken on a lot of changes but he remains in my heart. Hugs and blessings to you. Glad you found Soaring Spirits. It’s truly a wonderful organization.

  • commented on Noticing Saturdays 2016-09-24 14:27:34 -0700
    Thanks Karin, I appreciate your support so much! And Lisa, yes, taking steps, and so grateful to have you along for the ride, wild as it is.

  • commented on Dew Drops and Sunshine 2016-09-17 14:00:44 -0700
    So inspirational, Kaiti. Thank you.

  • commented on Collective Grief 2016-09-15 16:19:06 -0700
    Thank you for commenting Karin…wow those are a lot of hard memories around that date. Something none of us will ever forget, for so many reasons…xoxo

  • commented on A Path Built on Love 2016-09-09 14:14:16 -0700
    Wow. I share the excitement, terror and sorrow with these transitional changes Kelley. You are incredibly blessed to have such a supportive family. And I know a LOT of people out here support you too, including me. We’ve not met yet but I hope we will someday. Lots of hugs.

  • commented on Whodathunkit? 2016-09-09 14:08:24 -0700
    Thanks Cathy. Some days it feels easier than others. But yes I’m definitely off on a new adventure. I appreciate your support, it means a lot knowing you are out there.

  • commented on Sharing Grief 2016-09-02 13:17:42 -0700
    Lisa, yes I believe you are right…that path we search for often feels obscured but it did lead me to Mike, didn’t it. Thank you. Cathy – you are definitely right too, we don’t know where that path is leading, but we keep going, even with the grief in the passenger seat the whole time. Thank you ladies.

  • commented on My Davy Jones Moment 2016-09-02 13:15:28 -0700
    Oh my gosh Kelley – that was SO a gift from Don. What an incredible thing to happen – I’d never wash that cheek again either!!

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