Stephanie Vendrell

That Moment

That moment when you think you see him. The same shirt, the same belly, the same hair…from a distance, without your glasses, you really, truly think it’s him. Your heart lurches…you look again more closely, and even for the next moment, knowing it couldn’t possibly be him, it still looks so much like him your heart continues to pound. 

 

You don’t want to put your glasses on, you don’t want to let your brain be rational, you just don’t want to remember just for another long moment, that it’s not him. Just for another second, please be him.

 

It’s not.

 

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3 reactions Share

  • commented on The Wave 2015-07-06 16:02:51 -0700
    Hi Helen, I get that feeling very much. Waking up into the nightmare. I am so sorry for your loss too. It just sucks.

  • commented on And the Plan is... 2015-07-01 15:04:52 -0700
    Alison, I am sure I speak for many, many readers out there who all, like me, look forward to your posts to follow your journey, which is not just the metaphorical winding road of grief but the real tar and concrete highways. In a way perhaps many of us wish we could be out there on the road like that, experiencing, learning, grieving… and moving. Through the painful sorrow and madness of grief, to be like a leaf blowing in the wind with, as you said, a real purpose, fueled by that love…something very poetic and soulful about it – and as Kelley said – epic. Thank you for sharing it.

  • commented on Love's Remnants 2015-07-01 14:55:06 -0700
    Thank you for sharing these painfully practical details of sorting through death. I’ve had several clearing/moving days myself, it seems to have been a process that continues to change for me. For awhile I could not bear to have so much of his things around me, but lately I’ve dug some of them out of storage…not sure why, for some reason it seems comforting now, rather than soul-shattering. But it is a very big, emotionally draining job. And the regret? I get that too…Mike was perhaps more like Stan, and me like you…I was always serious and stressed, and he was so joyful and enlightened next to me, but now, I’ve put on that mantle, even as it doesn’t always fit, and attempted to find that light-hearted way he had about him. Anyway it is a wonderful tribute to carry with us, our beautiful loves who taught us so much.

  • commented on Bringing New Love Home 2015-07-01 14:47:47 -0700
    Oh Sarah how blessed you are that Drew’s family has as open hearts as you, and Mike. I am warmed to my core reading this. If the rest of the world could express love like this what a beautiful and peaceful place it would be. I am so incredibly happy for you both.

  • commented on My Other Soul Mate 2015-06-27 17:23:00 -0700
    You are indeed fortunate to have her, Rebecca. All the lovely people and trips and activities we find surrounding that empty void I see somehow as flowers growing around a deep dark hole, hoping one day that hole will be hard to see from the lush foliage…

  • commented on Anchor 2015-06-27 17:18:49 -0700
    This sucks Kelley I am so sorry…Mike’s insurance kicked me off last year too and the plan the state gave me has such an enormous deductible – well suffice to say it’s not making it easy to see a doctor for regular things since I end up having to pay for it all myself. Plus Mike was a healer in his own right, I relied on him for so much…not having him around when things go wrong like that is terrifying. I have some health things I’ve been going through too. Gathering the courage to write about it myself. Thank you for cracking the door open, and I will be thinking of you. xoxo

  • commented on Unintended Solitude 2015-06-27 16:09:51 -0700
    Thank you Rebecca. Right it really is like torture some days; hard to draw myself away from it at times. And our personal space issues – as with so many things – do shift after our losses for so many reasons. Thank you for commenting.

  • commented on Can I Really Do This 2015-06-20 23:41:19 -0700
    Wow – how fabulous. I think you can do this, and you are. How wonderful for all the help and support to get there and experience it. Enjoy with a full heart.

  • commented on Everywhere 2015-06-20 23:38:57 -0700
    I sat here for quite some time thinking, after reading this post Kelley. This entire grief experience has transformed me…I’ve learned so much, grown so much, felt so deeply…reading what you and the others of us write each day has been such an enormous source of support and relatability. At first I saw Mike everywhere, and it hurt so much…then he slowly disappeared, I couldn’t find him anywhere, and that hurt too…now I do see him around me, feel him around me – it doesn’t hurt the same way anymore, as I’ve started to build this after-life…and I do talk to him, when I’m alone…it will never be the same as having him here with me but the sense of his nearness has changed over time. Thanks for nailing it so succinctly.

  • commented on The Musician: Part III 2015-06-21 16:17:49 -0700
    Thank you Rebecca. I guess we all really do have our stories. I’m glad I shared it too. Life is sure a strange thing.

  • commented on Third Time Round 2015-06-16 22:14:17 -0700
    Life in cycles, yes…annual remembrances and celebrations, especially in the eyes of a child, are things that can be looked forward to. Thinking of you and all that is to come. Blessings.

  • commented on Room for What Comes 2015-06-16 22:12:20 -0700
    I admire your courage and strength, Tricia. Making room for new life is so hard, but you’re right; we have to create the space. Changes around the home, I’ve also found, is not only good distraction but a way to reinvent our new lives…as we must, somehow, find to do. Blessings and thanks.

  • commented on From Three Years 2015-06-15 16:20:36 -0700
    Faith in the unknown. Nailed it. I feel the same way. Thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on My Husband, My Blessing 2015-06-15 16:19:04 -0700
    Gorgeous wedding…I’m so sad you only had six weeks as husband and wife…Mike and I used to love calling each other that. I miss it. You didn’t have long enough, Rebecca. But then again no matter how long it is it’s never long enough.

  • commented on Making It To The Top 2015-06-11 22:39:24 -0700
    Even small feats seem huge in the wake of our losses…this one is huge in itself, and very meaningful. I send you hugs and warm thoughts. It’s nice to know we are not alone in this journey.

  • commented on The Musician: Part II 2015-06-12 14:53:39 -0700
    Thank you ladies…one more I think.

  • commented on As Memories Fade 2015-06-01 01:07:21 -0700
    I am glad you had a dream-moment with Stan. I treasure those I have with Mike. Hugs to you on this one year mark. All the days we are spending without our loves are challenging, but those milestones are particularly hard as they starkly measure the time without them.

  • commented on The Knowing 2015-05-29 17:38:02 -0700
    This is so incredibly beautifully written and friggin TRUE. Thank you Kelley.

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