Stephanie Vendrell

Missing You Always

Dear Mike,

 

Do I have to say how much I miss you? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, you must know this, because I say it all the time. Speaking into the ether, perhaps into a void, not knowing if it is received on your end, but always imagining it is, hoping it is.

 

I see signs from you. At least that is how I choose to interpret the birds that swoop over my path in certain moments, the grasshopper on my door or in my house that appears just when my heart is clenched from a painful memory of what I have lost. That particular song that comes on the radio at that exact right time, and the shooting star that streaks across the heavens at the exact moment I look up into the night sky, thinking of you.

 

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Here I Stand

Yesterday, August 9th, would have been our 18th wedding anniversary.  Can it really be so long since that day we said our vows on that beach in Maui? He died before we made 14. I hear of people married 25 years, 40 years, 55 years…we never got that. But I am grateful for the years we did have. Believe me.

 

One of Mike’s best friends died recently here in Kona. Tabo and his family were endearingly important to our happy welcome to this island when we moved here in 2001. We shared so many meals together, holidays, birthdays. His wife Lani taught me to weave ti plant leis and to pick the flowers from our native Ohia trees…I remember she told me the legend that if you picked an Ohia flower, it would rain, and the day we first did that together, it did indeed start to rain. That time was just purely magical for us, becoming part of life here on this remote island with its rich history.

 

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  • commented on Missing You Always 2017-08-18 16:03:32 -0700
    Thank you Gayle. The missing them never stops. Hugs.

  • commented on Here I Stand 2017-08-18 16:08:21 -0700
    Thank you Sharon. Interesting that you didn’t make 14 years either. I will be thinking of you on August 26. That is my parents’ anniversary, they will be 56 years, hard to believe, both living, though dad not doing well. Seems the fates deal us each such different hands. Hugs and blessings to you.

  • commented on That Moment 2017-08-03 23:23:59 -0700
    Joseph, that is a really nice thought, thank you, that it is a sign of him looking over me. I will try to remember that next time. Lisa, hug.

  • commented on The Tree of Grief 2017-07-28 14:41:39 -0700
    Diane, I am so touched that you were inspired to reach out. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. As Joseph said, loss of a child must absolutely be the worst, and I am grateful that you have found Soaring Spirits to be of some solace to you, and have experienced some rebirth of life after your terrible loss. Sending a big hug.

    Joseph, your partner sounds like she was an absolutely wonderful person. What a hole in our lives after losing our rocks, to be sure. Thank you again for your great support, and hugs to you too.

  • commented on Rattled 2017-07-29 16:18:57 -0700
    Indie, it really seems like it doesn’t get any easier, I’m also four and a half years along. Wish I had a magic answer. Community is the only way I feel I have been able to survive, so I’m glad you have found your way to Soaring Spirits. Hug.

  • commented on Meet Wendy and Ben 2017-07-13 19:06:32 -0700
    Welcome, Wendy, though I wish you had not reason to join this terrible club. My deepest condolences on your loss. Yes, we want them to be remembered…and so we write, indeed. Blessings to you and your family.

  • commented on The Meaning of Teeth 2017-07-15 23:22:33 -0700
    Indie, you nailed it….being loved brought great meaning, and without it…busy is just not able to cut it, though we do try. I am glad you are here at Soaring Spirits, community and support is so important, so many caring and loving people here. Big hug.

  • commented on Say Goodbye to the Fridge 2017-07-10 01:54:59 -0700
    Carol, I am deeply sorry for your loss. It’s early for you and the days are so hard, every single one. I too believe I will see my love again but that doesn’t make the days here without him seem easier…well, maybe, but, since I have nothing to compare it too…still hard. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, she helped me so much.
    Susan…holidays are so hard, every single one. It does all seem anticlimactic, good way to put it. As does every other day. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing.

  • commented on My Final Blog 2017-07-06 16:14:51 -0700
    Hi Michelle, can’t believe it’s been a year already. We are blessed and grateful to have had you here at Soaring Spirits sharing your life and your grief. I wish you peace on your journey.

  • commented on Just Another Week 2017-06-30 02:31:53 -0700
    Yes, Lisa, so uncertain now, without them. Sigh indeed. Sharon, yes, another week in a widow’s life…a terrible club but glad not to be alone in it all. Hugs to you both.

  • commented on His Heart and Mine 2017-06-23 03:19:01 -0700
    Sharon, someone told me once that if a person reaches 60 they are likely to reach 80, but that many people indeed die before that. I have met many widows whose husbands died at 59. I just find it a thought to ponder.
    I think Brian was much like Mike. Hated to face a life in which they couldn’t do all they wanted to do. It brings a deep, sad sigh. But you’re right. Doesn’t make us miss them less. Hugs.

  • commented on Post-traumatic Growth 2017-06-16 16:13:10 -0700
    Oh Liz, one week, what a horrible time, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am glad you found Soaring Spirits. I know I speak for everyone here when I send you love and hugs and support during this difficult time. It just sucks, and yes, right now it’s all about just survival.

  • commented on Soul Searching 2017-06-09 00:17:03 -0700
    Thank you, Sharon. It’s strange to think of all the happy families secured in a kind of peace and security while we still seek that, or perhaps better, seek it yet again, after our losses, in middle age. But as you said, we have our own paths, and must simply keep walking. Love to you too.

  • commented on Killer Lonliness 2017-06-01 23:25:58 -0700
    Marilyn, what an experience you have gone through. I am so sorry for your troubles. I think you are absolutely right about the driving force behind addiction. Loneliness is indeed a terrible thing and due to our widowed state, a very stark and devastating reality for many of us. Thank you for sharing and commenting and being part of the community.
    Donna, I get that. I feel that too many days, existing, not living. I’m glad you have your sons. And grateful you can come here and share and get support. Lots of love.
    Sharon, wow the Camino how awesome!! I always wanted to do that! I think that’s a great way to get out there and look for peace and purpose. Meanwhile, so sad about the date today for you. Those anniversaries are so, so hard. But as I said to Donna I am sure glad we have this place to come together. Bless you.

  • commented on The Public Face 2017-05-22 01:59:58 -0700
    Cathy, you are right, it is all so hard to make decisions now. And yes, not to show how hard it is…feeling it, sister. Hugs.
    Indie, yes, a charade indeed. I feel you too. Wish I could hug you too, I could use it too.
    Linda, so much to think about, yes….too many decisions, where is that magic decision fairy??? Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, sending them your way too. If I have to be in this terrible club, I am thankful for all the wonderful souls who accompany me. Xoxo

  • commented on Smiling Through the Tears 2017-05-19 03:29:58 -0700
    Indeed Marilyn there will always be that but…hugs to you.

  • commented on Shifts Happen 2017-05-02 15:02:11 -0700
    True words Cathy, the book ended…and Lisa, indeed, who are we?? Sigh.

  • commented on Talking to Mike 2017-04-21 11:58:12 -0700
    Thank you Bruce, that was a beautiful and thoughtful comment. I will indeed.

  • commented on Mean Dreams 2017-04-17 02:14:53 -0700
    Bruce, I believe that. Just wish I could really talk to him.

  • commented on Times Gone By 2017-04-08 21:55:39 -0700
    I will. Something heartening to know you are going through similar changes. Somehow, we survive. Hugs, Cathy.

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