Artist, Writer, Widow and Creative Mentor

Galaxies within Us

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Nearing New Year’s, of course we’re all looking back. Or maybe some of us aren’t because we don’t want to - or we just can’t. I imagine a lot of us are ready to leave 2017 in the dust. I certainly am. Not perhaps in the same way I was ready to leave 2012 in the dust…  that was more about running away from my reality and my pain. This is more a feeling of being ready for what’s next. A feeling of accomplishment for making it through a year filled with all kinds of new challenges I’d never faced before.  

This year I also hit a major grief milestone - the 5 year mark. I remember having so much fear about one day being FIVE ENTIRE YEARS away from the last day I saw him or heard his voice. For a long time, that number scared me a lot. Then it just became hard to imagine. It’s still hard to imagine even though it’s now here. Now approaching 5 ½ years as I write this and somehow it hasn’t been so traumatic after all. There have been painful moments yes, but not as I had imagined it would be. It was a softer and more gentle pain, if that makes sense. Still there is a longing for a time that once was. For a life I loved. A person I still love. For the person I used to be that I will never be again. But it doesn’t feel like I’d thought it would.

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  • commented on Your Death Is a Pain In the Ass 2016-08-07 08:02:11 -0700
    I can totally relate to this one in my own ways right now. Even though I have Mike, and yes, he now does all those things Drew used to, there are STILL so many situations going on lately that I would NOT be dealing with if it wasn’t for Drew’s death. I am completely feeling on the same page as you. We need a chat soon. Hang in there, and get your cats outta the effing kitchen when you’re cooking woman!! Love you (mommy)

  • commented on Widowhood Confusion....What? 2016-07-07 05:16:45 -0700
    Yes. So exactly the way I have felt all these years. And even with a new person in my world, my shit is still all over the place. I’m still confused, and still searching for something, and still miss Drew, and I still want to give up sometimes but somehow also am determined to “make something” of this life. Adding a new person into the mix has actually created even new confusion, and fear of him dying too. This widow life is all so damn hard, and so much work. Thank you for this one.

  • commented on The Tsunami of July 2016-07-02 09:39:48 -0700
    This took me right back to my own traumatic day. My own phone call. My own animal screams. All the disbelief. Sometimes its still hard to feel like we have somehow lived this long through it all. Its so surreal.

    I’m thinking of you. sometimes I feel the months after Drew’s death are even harder because that misery stretched on and on. Something about being in the hot Texas summer has brought back a lot of the grief too this week for me, mini flashbacks. I’m on my way back to Ohio now, and so look forward to a phonecall soon to catch up with you. Beautiful post. <3 love you!!!

  • commented on Welcome Our New Writer Michelle Midgett 2016-06-07 10:28:19 -0700
    Sunday’s writer here, saying welcome to Widow’s Voice, and thank you so much for sharing the beginning of your story… I hate for you to have this opportunity, as I do for us all, but we are glad to have you here nonetheless! I’ve been writing around 2 1/2 years here and it has been so very healing for me, I hope it is the same for you. Very beautifully written first post. Looking forward to reading more <3

  • commented on A New Beginning 2016-06-05 06:07:43 -0700
    This was such a good post – boy oh boy have I been there, and still find myself in that same panic from time to time even a year and a half into things with Mike. It’s such a difference from how we were when we entered into relationships before meeting death. Now, we have a knowing, a very deep knowing, as you said. Good for you for leaning into the love and taking the chance to be deeply vulnerable with your new guy. Proud of you!

  • commented on Just Do Something 2016-04-26 11:51:16 -0700
    Thank you for continuing to teach me more about you. It is an honest, vulnerable, brave post… Just saying it again!

  • commented on Dreams Coming True 2016-04-24 05:52:50 -0700
    I loved this post, and it’s so inspiring to see you stepping into this dream and making it reality! I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. Keep on keeping on!!

  • commented on Growing Me Up 2016-04-18 19:56:39 -0700
    Diane, thank you so much for writing to share… it really made my day. What a beautiful memory with your dad. Having walked beside Drew’s mom in her grief these past 4 years, my heart truly hurts for the loss you have felt as well. I’ve in fact met many mother’s who’ve lost children since Drew’s death, and the depth of that loss is about as deep into one’s soul as any could be… of course, because the love is that deep. Like you, Drew’s mom has chosen to continue to build a relationship with him in spirit… I know it has helped her so much (and me!).

    Jonathan died only a few months before Drew, and was only a few years younger. Wow. I’ll never understand why we lose the good ones so young. Sending much love to you, and Jonathan, and your dad! Thank you so much for reading all this time! I am so glad my words could help you, and that yours have helped me today too. :) All my best <3

  • commented on "It Isn't Just Me" 2016-03-18 11:15:08 -0700
    Thank you all for the comments. I am so glad others understand, even if I wish you weren’t going through the same thing as me right now. At least we’re not alone!

  • commented on Free To Be Me 2016-03-18 11:03:36 -0700
    Loved this. I felt exactly the same way. I am in such a different place this time than the last few times, and I got totally new and different things from it. But every single time, it proves to feel like home <3

  • commented on Home, Heart and Facing Fears 2016-01-07 11:05:16 -0800
    Thank you all for these wonderful comments. You each warmed my heart… sometimes it can be weeks without comments on here – and it feels really good to know that people are listening, and caring. My love to you ladies.

    Kelley, a special thank you to you, as someone who was on the other end of the phone those days a year ago when all that happened! Love you so much.

  • commented on Into the Woods 2015-12-20 13:54:18 -0800
    Thank you so much Cathy. We just returned and i have to say it gave me a deeper appreciation for the little comforts and relaxed me so much. I hope you got out for a good hike yourself!

  • commented on Falling 2015-11-21 18:29:27 -0800
    God, why are we always going through the same shit in some way at the same time? I have been feeling this EXACT thing the past week…. how long will it take? When will it start to feel like success and not like scrambling? Will I ever get anywhere on this book (the photo book, which came to a halt several months ago and is still sitting there stuck. ugh) Yup, i get it. I also can so imagine how much panic and stress it is creating to feel like this is your shot and you could mess it up if you dont do X, Y, Z… with my photos, i only have roughly 2 years to get them exhibited in galleries before they are then considered “old work” which is total shit. At this point, i still havent snagged a single solo exhibit, and i really badly want this series to be shown in totality somewhere big on the walls. I so get it. And I so get the feelings of being tired of working overtime. We definitely should skype after Thanksgiving. I miss you tons. Moving is shitty, and lonely. Love you!

  • commented on The Big Move 2015-10-30 06:20:55 -0700
    Thank you all. ITs been a rough past week no doubt, but so FULL… full of love, full of joy, full of heartbreak. Very very full. Thank you for reading and the love!

  • commented on What A Man Is 2015-08-30 06:54:10 -0700
    Yeah, you made me cry today. Damn. Even after these years, I still hate all of this shit. For you. For me. For all of us. And even if i have found someone new… I still HATE all of this simultaneously. I still hate that Mike isn’t Drew in some small corner of my heart… and I always will. If that makes any sense (I’m sure in widow terms it does). God this shit is so so accurate. Well written.

  • commented on The Two Faces of Fall 2015-08-25 16:14:25 -0700
    Thank you Karrlin! And Kelley… yes! One of these days!

  • commented on Seeing in Color 2015-08-23 06:06:51 -0700
    I loved this one!! I think you’ve inspired my post for today even a bit. I feel exactly the same way about fall. This year is the first year I have the real excitement back about it… not like it used to be, but in a NEW way. And I feel stupidly over excited just the way you are feeling!! Most of all… because I will get to come up north for some weeks this fall, and get to experience a place where the colors change in full glory – it literally WILL be like seeing it brighter than i’ve ever seen it before!!! Thanks for this one. Now i’m all impatient. Hurry up fall!

  • commented on Food, My Old Friend 2015-08-16 07:15:05 -0700
    I felt the same way last year when I started Crossfit… it felt so good to CARE again. About living. About myself. Yes. I cannot imagine going through what you did, and I can completely understand the logic of how you coped with it. Sitting here with my healthy breakfast and my boring water down south and cheering you on in solidarity! To living and giving a shit again!

  • commented on Widowed... without children 2015-08-16 07:11:23 -0700
    I can relate in a lot of ways. I was not even desiring children at all until I met Drew and was going to have a family with him… sharing the experience together. After he died, that desire dwindled completely. Periodically i have panicked about the time running out crap in case I DID ever want to give birth. And even though I actually would prefer to adopt… society sure does a good job of making the ticking clock thing hard to ignore!

    And then enter Mike and his daughter. No she isn’t my baby and no I didn’t get to raise her from those wee little days or see her walk or talk for the first time… but somehow it fits. In a way I can only describe as my soul knowing that this is the way for me.

    Life is full of surprises… and I think you’ve got the best attitude you can possibly have about all this scary, sad, frustrating shit. All we can do is keep our hearts open and have faith that if we are meant to be mothers – in some way, somehow – we will be. Whether by birth, adoption, or even mentoring other people’s children. And I definitely happen to think you are meant to be one. <3

  • commented on A Big Little First 2015-08-16 06:56:21 -0700
    Thank you both Rebecca and Kelley!!! It really helps to have this place to write about it all, and to know others are listening and supporting all of this. It really really helps on days when I totally lose my mind lol! Love you both!

Artist and Writer working to live this life boldly and creatively.
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