Runner Up

balloon.jpgIt finally happen, he said it. I have been seeing someone for 5 months now. And we are happy. He makes me happy. And is good to me and the kids. And after 5 months he said it. 


He will always feel like second place. 


My heart dropped. He said he knows deep down inside I wish I was with Joey. 


I remember when a friend of mine starting dating a widower and I asked her that. Doesn't she feel like second. And she said it took some time to realize but no she doesn't anymore. She knows this is where she should be. 


So what do I say? Of course I wish Joey was still alive. But he isn't. Of course I would change that night if I could. But I can't. Nothing can change it. He is gone. I am here. 

So no he isn't second. He is my now. He is my future. He is who I choose to be with. But I don't think I am being 100% honest. His feelings are valid and I'm not sure what to say. 


I remember one time having a conversation with him and he said do you really think there is one true love for everyone in this big old world. I had to bite my tongue because if I did believe that then why was I with him. Am I just using him to fill my time? I don't think I am. I care for him. Not as a replacement for anyone. I love my mother and my father why can't I love my late husband and him. 


I question being in a relationship at all sometimes because I am such a burden. I have a very serious life with children. Why would anyone want to jump into that. But he did. And now no matter what I do he will always feel like second place. 


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  • commented 2017-01-22 02:41:05 -0800
    I had a love in high school. I loved him, but ultimately it didn’t work out. Then I fell in love with the man who would be my husband. It was a different, deeper love, but he wasn’t second place just because I didn’t love him first. Love isn’t a contest and there was room enough for both. Because my heart grew to include them both. It’s why I can love my childhood best friend and my brothers and my new friends and family members and my four children. My second child isn’t loved any less than my first. My fourth doesn’t get left-over love scraps, she gets just as much love as her brother and sisters, and I love them all the same and I love them all differently, but I love them all. Because my heart grew to include their love. I don’t believe in soul mates, in one big love for each person. It’s romantic, but I don’t believe it’s true. I’m more of the Anne Shirley kindred spirits belief. We have people we are connected to and that connection lives on past time, space, and death. I still feel connected to people who aren’t a part of my life anymore, people who have drifted apart, and people who have died. Kindred spirits who will always be a part of who I am. I will never love anyone else the way I loved my husband. I was in my 20s and in college when I fell in love with him and now 40 is on the horizon and I have four young children. I don’t know if another love is in my future, I don’t know if I’ll be ready for that, I know right now I’m not. My love for my husband will always be with me because he will always be a part of me. His place in my heart will always be there and my connection to him will never be severed. But I believe there is always room for love. There is no I had a love in high school. I loved him, but ultimately chose not to be with him. Then I fell in love with the man who would be my husband. It was a different, deeper love, but he wasn’t second place just because I didn’t love him first. Love isn’t a contest and there was room enough for both. Because my heart grew to include them both. It’s why I can love my childhood best friend and my brothers and my new friends and family members and my four children. My second child isn’t loved any less than my first. My fourth doesn’t get left-over love scraps, she gets just as much love as her brother and sisters, and I love them all the same and I love them all differently, but I love them all. Because my heart grew to include their love. I don’t believe in soul mates, in one big love for each person. It’s romantic, but I don’t believe it’s true. I’m more of the Anne Shirley kindred spirits belief. We have people we are connected to and that connection lives on past time, space, and death. I still feel connected to people who aren’t a part of my life anymore, people who have drifted apart, and people who have died. Kindred spirits who will always be a part of who I am. I will never love anyone else the way I loved my husband. I was 20 and in college when I fell in love with him and now 40 is on the horizon and I have four young children. I don’t know if another love is in my future, I don’t know if I’ll be ready for that, I know right now I’m not. But I know my love for my husband will always be with me because he will always be with me. His place in my heart will always be there and my connection to him will never be severed. I am who I am in part because of him. But I believe there is always room for love. I am a different person than I was, and in a different time in my life. There is no first place or second place, there is no comparison. It’s a different connection and a different love, but it’s still and just Love.
    That’s what I hope. Sorry for my ramblings.
  • commented 2017-01-16 18:13:13 -0800
    Good comment, Gayle – that was then, this is now…wish non-widowed could see that too. Our loves are gone but that shouldn’t mean we don’t get other loves. It will never be the same though, and maybe some people are just more sensitive to that. Michelle, I am so sorry he said that. I have been going through that with my boyfriend too. I’m not sure where to go with it yet to be honest. Hugs.
  • commented 2017-01-16 09:19:23 -0800
    I’m a remarried widow and I’ve had those feelings, and similar conversations. But it’s not a contest, and it’s not like you’re choosing between the two of them. My first husband was the best husband for me at that time, and my current husband is the best husband for me now. Hopefully your boyfriend won’t always feel the way he feels now, and neither will you.