Rhetorical Questions of the Night~

I ponder these questions in the darkness of my sleepless nights, not expecting any answers, but wondering, always, knowing I'm not alone in thinking these questions, and knowing, too, that any answers can take a lifetime~

Where is Chuck?

Is there an afterlife?

How can I have believed so strongly in an afterlife of some sort, but, the minute Chuck died, those beliefs disappeared?

Love left behind beats strongly in my heart, but how will that be enough to sustain me for a lifetime without him?

How do I find passion for life again?

What do I think about the fact that I was already fully aware of how fortunate I was to have Chuck, to have the life I did, that I was already compassionate and empathetic, and didn’t need him to die to wake me up?

Is there a God?

I read sometimes that it is fear that keeps us from living or again.  What if it isn’t fear at all, but more of an I just don’t give a fuck if I live?

What if it isn’t fear that keeps me from loving again, just a total lack of understanding the concept that it CAN happen again, with a man who is as wonderful as Chuck was?

What if I never have wild and crazy sex again?

Isn’t it funny how there are some people who insist that I’ve put Chuck on a pedestal because he’s dead because that’s, apparently, what grieving people do when our loved ones die, when anyone who knows me knows that I spoke about him the same way when he was alive?

How is it that I haven’t died of a broken heart in these 3 years since Chuck died?  Is there a better candidate for a broken heart than this heart that inhabits my chest? 

Does anyone else feel an actual physical ache from not being hugged by your husband/wife?

Does this awful ache and emptiness only go away if we find someone to love, and be loved by, again?

Do we get more than one real love story in a lifetime?

How do you not compare one man to another, if the situation came up that another man comes into my life?

How on earth could I ever find a man who has the confidence Chuck had, who lived a conscious life, who was the lover he was, who would cherish me as he did?

How have I lived for 1,142 days/22hours/30minutes, and 4seconds, without him?

How do I live the rest of my life without him?

These questions, and more, keep me company at night.  What are your questions, I wonder?


Showing 5 reactions

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  • commented 2016-06-12 14:11:45 -0700
    Mary Beth Hotaling, I am right where you are! Trying to live life a few weeks at a time, scared of a new lifetime of being alone! I just recently got my friends and family back. I felt so abandoned by everyone for the first 6 months, like swimming in a vast ocean all alone with no Lans in sight.
  • commented 2016-06-12 14:07:25 -0700
    Those are my questions too…8 months into this. Sigh….
  • commented 2016-06-08 22:26:50 -0700
    Alison a friend of mine in Al-Anon wore a button that applies to us. It read “Does the noise in my head bother you?” I keep going around and around with the very same questions but no clear answers. So I keep marking time, day by day.
  • commented 2016-06-08 17:18:36 -0700
    Thank you so much!!! It’s as though you have been inside my heart, mind, and soul.
  • commented 2016-06-08 05:45:56 -0700
    Alison: Your thoughts are all the same thoughts I have had since my husband Jeff has been gone. I’m not sure exactly how they continue to exist but I know they do and that does sometimes give me comfort. As for the rest of my life, I just hope it’s not a very long one because I’m not the same person I was when he was here. The passion for a life that no longer exists dies with that person who completed it. I suppose we are to find a new life and develop new passion. But who wants that when the only thing we want is the life we had with them. I just concentrate on each day and try to make plans a few weeks out so I have something to get me through a bit longer. It’s gotten me through 8 months and 8 days so far…… Is that a life? It’s all I have for now