commented on Three Divorces and a Funeral
2017-10-30 09:35:42 -0700
Please don’t diminish the loss of a sibling…I lost my younger brother to suicide and anyone that has lost a sibling they were close to or lost someone to suicide can tell you…it is absolutely devastating. The guilt and the unanswered questions and the mental torment of thinking there was something we could have done to save them, etc. He was my best friend and I would have died for him and I have missed him every single day for 23 years now. A part of me died with him. He cannot be replaced, ever. It is not a loss that is sympathized, like people recognize a disease or a car accident or anything else that wasn’t a choice. I had a coworker say to me, after my brothers first attempt, that “he wanted to die” and she felt they should send my brother to war, because her sister had joined the military and she didn’t want her sister to die, but since my brother WANTED to…
I understand what you’re saying about losing your wife and my heart goes out to you. I understand that unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you don’t understand what I have felt. I don’t like comparisons either.
You saying divorce or an ex-spouse doesn’t stack up, well you haven’t been there, so you don’t know what it feels like. It is grieving a loss, and no he didn’t die, but what I thought we had sure did. I didn’t walk down the aisle believing we would end or that he would leave or that our love wasn’t real. I adored that man. I fell in love at 22 years old and gave him 20 years of my life and 2 children. He was the love of my life and my love was real. I would have died for him, I loved him that much. I had a long way to fall and it hurt like hell. He chipped away at me and continued to try to destroy me for years after he left me.
What I didn’t know until years after our divorce, was that I was raised by a narcissistic father and therefore married a narcissist, so I never stood a chance at keeping him happy. I tried, God knows I tried. I have never loved someone so much and my hopes & dreams were crushed and our family torn apart and it was NOT my choice. You were lucky and blessed to have found true love and I’m sorry it ended the way it did. But please don’t diminish what I had just because I wasn’t as lucky to have had true love, like you. I fell for the wrong man, I paid dearly for that choice and so have my children. But did I not grieve the loss? Yes I did.
By comparing your loss to the comparisons others have compared yours to is the same thing…but I understand what you’re saying, I really do. My sister has lost pets, her beloved dogs she rescues and she swears they are like family, so I’m sure she understands what people are saying about pets, but since I don’t have a pet, I don’t know how that feels, and in my world losing family is worse. I’m losing my Mother to Alzheimer’s, so now I’m understanding how that feels. It sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My Mother has forgotten that she lost a son and that she has been married for 53 years and that she has 7 children and her youngest is in prison and will probably not get to see her before she dies. She will eventually forget me.
I wouldn’t wish a divorce on anyone. I wouldn’t wish the loss of a sibling on anyone. I wouldn’t wish the loss of anyone to suicide. I wouldn’t wish the loss of anyone to a car accident, or cancer, or Alzheimer’s, etc. Any loss is traumatic and devastating and one of the most painful things we will ever go thru. We are united in loss, no matter who loved who more and no matter how we lost them.