I had a little time to check in with me, myself, and I this weekend. Not as much as I could have used, but I did get a few moments of serenity. I sat on a balcony, watched golfers pass by, listened to a waterfall, and enjoyed the lazy circling of a wasp in search of its nest. I wasn't alone for this moment of relative stillness, and I'm certain the person sitting next to me thought I was uncharacteristically quiet. I was just drinking it in.
It's interesting to hear my own thoughts in these rare moments. I heard contentment, and also fear that it won't last (something always happens, doesn't it?). I heard thoughts of stress and how to deal with it better, and annoyance at the amount of responsibility in my life. I heard a wish that I was 16 and someone else had to do all the heavy lifting for me. If only! :)
The contentment and fear caught my attention, the other thoughts are there pretty frequently, I mean sometimes being the grownup just sucks. It is what it is. Contentment on the other hand, that's a more rare thought. It has eluded me in the past, but I'm really feeling it now. It's frightening. I'm not sure I know what to do with it. I'm trying to go with it, not over think it. My widow brain resists. I find it hard to let go and just enjoy it, I want to know how and when it will end.
I'm filing away those thoughts, in a safe place for consideration, but not daily review. I mean, what does it really matter? Knowing the end of the story doesn't mean you can skip all the steps to get there. You still have to get to the end via the path you are intended to take. I'm not in a rush to get to the end, so I'm just going to savor (even if it scares me) the moments as they come.