This is part of a post I wrote February 7, 2008, about a month and a half after Jim's death.
I have yet to go back and read every post since he died ..... especially the early ones. I'm not sure when I'll feel able to do that .... to go back to that very dark, very lonely place where death seemed to be the only escape. But I will ..... some day.
So, this title caught my eye and I thought I'd share it with you:
This isn't a sad post -- it's just ..... my life. It sounds sadder than I feel at the moment (that's for my mom).
It's occurred to me over the past couple of days that there are many places where I've cried.
There are the obvious places: my bed, church (all over the church -- my office, the sanctuary, the women's restroom, etc), my living room, the family room, the kitchen, the kids' bedrooms, etc. Oh, and a funeral home. That's a given.
Then there's my bathroom, on the floor next to my toilet. That was a bad moment. And there's the shower -- picture Glenn Close in "The Big Chill" and that's exactly how it was (well, except for that fact that she's blonde and had a better body, but other than that, exactly). The shower is a great place to cry and to cry loudly. No one can hear you.
And there's Jim's closet. I have actually only sat in there one time and cried. But it was that first week and it was horrible. I try not to spend too much time in there -- just a glance inside once in a while. That closet gives me way too much pain.
I've cried in my car (I've cried in several people's cars). That option is best used when the car is parked in the garage. People tend to stare while you're driving. And well, it's a bit hard to see through tears. People also tend to stare when you're in a parking lot. Yes, the garage is the safest place.
I've cried in movie theaters and at at two live productions.
I've cried in the woods. I've cried on the tennis courts. I've cried at the nail salon. I've cried at the grocery store and at the gas station.
I've cried in an attorney's office, an accountant's office and a banking office.
I've cried at friends' homes.
I've cried on a cruise ship. That was the most expensive place in which to cry.
But not today. Not yet. And I don't think I cried yesterday, though I really can't remember much over an hour at a time, so I could be wrong (which is a phrase I seem to say almost daily --- "though I could be wrong").
I wonder what tomorrow will bring?
Yes, I have cried over the past 3-plus years.
That wasn't the last day I cried, but it was memorable because, at the time I wrote it, a significant amount of time had gone by with no tears.
That was huge.
And very uncommon.
And ..... it didn't last long.
I still cry.
But not as much.
Not nearly as much.
I can't believe that one can't die from dehydration caused by crying.
I'm sure that each of you could add to the list of places where you've cried.
I'd love to hear where some of the most "unique" places are.
If you'd like to share.
Sometimes it's good to look back .... and see that we've moved a few feet down the path.
Or heck ..... even a few inches ....