Heartache she can feel not just in her bones but within every inch of herself. Pulsing through her like rapids over a fall. A heaviness that holds her heart with every thought of loss and of love and the thoughts can be so consuming. Love is glorious, beautiful and healing, to lose love is the painful part.
Memories, she replays. Sweet, soft and now stagnant in time. Images of thier smiles together, of comfort, peace, laughter, thrills and joy. Images of life, of love. Memories, that in the moment that they were made, showed a world of possibilities. A future that could have, would have and should have been. Those moments of love and life at one time filled her heart with hope, with expectations, with an idea that their life would be full of those moments.
Hand written letters, pages filled with raw honesty and unconditional love. Ink she spilled, full of longing for her heart to be healed. And even after every written word that is left unheard she still believes that love heals, that vulnerability to herself and to others heals. Words that were spoken, whispers that were heard and things she still had left to say, would they have made any difference.
Pain comes with letting go, letting go of ideas of the future they would have had. It takes great strength to hold on but greater strength to let it all go. To let go of and accept all of the pieces that bring her pain. The questions why, the what ifs, the could haves, would haves and should have been.
She is left in pieces with her words. With her pain, her vulnerability, her strength, her honesty and her love. All of the love she has within, that has no where to go now. That is, except to herself. She couldnt save him, no matter how endless her love for him is. But she can and will save herself.